I was diddling around on facebook this morning and found a file of filtered messages from people that go back 4 years that I’ve never seen. This is a file where people send you private messages but are not on your friend list and these I found were even further filtered, I think, than others that come in that way. I’m not sure. I’m somewhat tech challenged. Well, one of them was pretty upsetting. It was several years old and from a man on one of the FB MM sites. He was/is a priest. I remember he was very depressed and at the end of his rope and made a post stating as much and a bunch of us all commented and tried to cheer him on. Apparently, he thought I’d gotten too preachy (it was so long ago, I don’t even know what I said to try to lift his spirits) but he wrote me a message that said, “I didn’t need the homily, Denise.” I thought to myself, wow, you try to lift someone up and that’s the response you get. You take the time to try to say something meaningful, and here’s a priest, for goodness sake, throwing it back in my face and letting me know he didn’t appreciate my efforts. I had half a mind to reply, and maybe if it was more current, I would have. But, I tried to be charitable and say to myself, I know what it’s like to be mad at the world. I’d like to think I would not lash out at someone who was trying to be kind to me, but, I am not in his particular situation. And, heck, one of us has to take the high road. It obviously was not going to be him. I re-read it, really stunned by its meanness, and then deleted it, but it will leave a lasting impression. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of sticking your neck out for someone just to have your head chopped off.
Anyway, one of the other messages was almost a year old and I am so upset that I didn’t see it. It was from an old friend and next door neighbor that moved to VT when I was about 10. I was devastated to lose her and begged my parents to move us to VT too. She sent me a message last July and I never saw it. I just replied and sent her a friend request. Ironically, Tim’s father and his family lived next door to this girl’s father’s family, growing up, and I was just looking at several of her family member’s names on a fireman’s memorial plaque this past Sunday, just 200 feet from my home, because Tim’s aunt had flown out here from the west coast to bury some of her husband’s ashes and have a brick with his name on it added to this memorial park. I told Debbi that of course I remembered her and that we had a lot of catching up to do. Then I started to think of how that conversation would go. Gee, what have you been doing these last 40 years? UGH. Um, yeah, suffered from several undiagnosed medical issues that ruined half my life, got a bit better just to have my hubby diagnosed with cancer. We’re just getting ready to re-start chemo and be back in the fight for his life again. Oh, how’s my parents? Um, mom suffering from dementia and dad refusing to retire to care for her and take her car away. Oh, Linda, yeah, nobody talks to that sister, not even her kids, I don’t know how she is. Oh, Lori, yes, she moved up there to VT and screwed me and my family over so badly on my kid’s sweet 16 that I keep my distance from her too. Oh, Tim’s family, yeah, we don’t speak to some of them and stay the heck away from pretty much all of them too. Ironically again, I saw a picture of her on her FB page and she could be Tim’s sister’s twin. The resemblance is amazing. My youngest sister was in touch with Debbi’s younger sister some years ago. If asked about my youngest sister, um, well, she is carrying a very heavy burden too. There is no way I can speak truthfully about me and my family without being a “Debbi downer.” If she goes down the list and asks about all of us, there is not much good news to report at all. So, I tried to think of what’s going well or at least normally that I could say about my life, when asked. Um, my kid is graduating high school and going to college. That’s it. Other than that, I got nuttin’. There is nothing safe to talk about that is not strife and sadness ridden. As Charlie Brown would say (and her FB posts show that she likes the Peanuts just like I do) GOOD GRIEF. So, since lying is never an option for me, I have two choices. Tell the truth, or avoid talking about any of it. “So, how’s your weather up there in VT today, Deb?” *sigh*