Wilting

I am wilting.

It is hot outside and I am wilting. It is just typical that there is a heat wave in the UK at a time when I am having a little procedure known as a transplant, must stay hydrated and must attempt to exercise a little. Think twice before you complain about the temperature, the news is full of it. Just remember, it could be worse…

The heat does not make any of this any easier, especially when I am wilting already, in spite of the heat

It was very clear to me yesterday afternoon, that I am not myself. I am not even the self who is a little bit sleepy. I feel beyond exhausted and spaced out. Utterly, utterly spaced out. I may as well be dribbling. I was convinced yesterday that I would be admitted to the hospital today, after a half mile round trip walk to Marks and Spencer left me looking like a pale, sweaty ghost bear. At 17:00hrs, I subsequently got into bed and there I remained until 08:00hrs this morning. Today, I have been to the clinic, then to an exhibition and now I am back on my bed because that is the only place I felt able to go.

Everywhere I look, I see a deterioration in my body. My body seems to be becoming more and more limp. My fatigue is ruling me, my belly hurts because I have not done a whatssit for three days, my hands are swollen, I cannot wear any jewellery because my skin is itchy, occasionally I feel like I am going to vomit making food unnecessary, my mouth tastes like I drank 14 pints of Kronenberg with a side helping of 20 cigarettes last night and I keep sweating. And yet, I saw a few Medically Trained People today and I am doing incredibly well.

Incredibly well, eh? What does that mean? It really makes the mind panic. Let’s face it, I feel pretty horrid right, so how much worse is it going to get? Am I being a wuss for worrying about my future and complaining about my present? Can I take it? Why did people now keep telling me that I am young? Does the nurse really think she’ll see me in Ambi Care on Monday, on Day 5? What needs to happen for me to go in? Not eating won’t. The need for sleep is to be expected apparently, and is my desire to stay out of the sun. Can people stop telling me that not everybody experiences all the side effects?

This is one strange twilight zone.

Wilting. I am most definitely wilting.

EJB x