Thank you everyone for reading, commenting and caring as you do. I write for me, for you, for everyone, anyone, that may benefit from my myeloma journey, medically and psychologically. I write because This Is My Life. Myeloma has taken over my life for 8+ years. Symptoms, side effects, medications, treatments, appointments, extreme fatigue, my thoughts… I write because it helps me process what I am going through. I write because I enjoy sharing my life, my challenges, my struggles, my successes, my myeloma realities,… sharing with anyone that chances upon this Blog. I write because this Blog will be my written Legacy, living on and on and on, beyond me one day…
And of course, it’s a perfect “hole” shape :))
Yes, Holes. Lytic Lesions. Holes, “Innumerable” holes, through out my “axial and appendicular skeleton”, the report states. I am still stunned and surprised. Shocked. Disbelief. Incredulous. Confused. Sad. Mad. Angry. Betrayed. But mostly Disbelief. How? When? How can this be? Has Myeloma always been eating me up alive? Is this recent? Or has this been since 2009? I have always been a “Why” person, and I will never stop wondering Why about most everything. Just who I am. And I accept that I will only have answers to the “Why”, maybe 50% of the time, if I’m lucky.
I read about Myeloma all the time. I want to know, be informed, be in the information loop. But I am not a Scientist or Medical Researcher, Doctor, Nurse, or Pharmacist. I’m a deep thinker, a Psychologist, Counselor. I want to know as much as I can, about all the things I’m fascinated by. But Myeloma has stumped me. I still, after 8+ years, I still don’t understand Myeloma. I can’t fully process the intricate Anatomy and Physiology of our bodies. Trying to understand Myeloma from a Biological, Chemistry perspective, is frankly over my head, and beyond my advanced education that I do have.
But I read, read, read. I’ve been looking at Skeltons. At anatomy pictures, charts, diagrams. I’m trying to figure out where all my Holes are. I want to know what these Holes look like from the inside. I want to understand how Myeloma grew all these Lytic Lesions inside me. I keep mumbling “Holes” to myself. Omg, I have Holes in my bones. Innumerable Holes. I have Holes in my Skeleton. Holes. I’m a Holey Skeleton. My bones have Holes. Cancerous Holes. Cancer in my bones. Holes that have cancer. Myeloma Cancer ate Holes in my Bones. Holes. Innumerable…
I took this picture just before the Scan began. You know me, silly, making light of things, thinking “oh this won’t show much, but what an interesting medical adventure it is!” I had no idea the irony of the circular shape of the Scan machine! It’s a giant Hole. Oh so ironic right! The machine that found my skeletal Holes, is a Hole. A medical Hole I go through to find my Lytic Lesion Holes. Ah, can you believe this! Honestly, I never ever really thought this Hole machine would find so many Holes in me. If you haven’t seen the written diagnostic results report, I posted it for your viewing pleasure on my previous, 5.9.18 post.
I received the CD of my PET/CT Scan picture results yesterday. I can’t figure out all the data and views. Omg. Each time I click, there were images in the images in the images. I saw my body in various forms. Some views looked like Aliens invading. Some views look like the Stellar System, like Outer Space, like the view of millions of stars coming at you. I saw my spine, my whole body and weird unidentifiable body parts. What is all this? Medical professionals are sooooo smart. I have such respect for all the knowledge everyone in the medical field has. They all look at this, and know exactly what it is. Wow! For sure, at my next Dr appointment, I will have my Dr go over my Scan pictures. Perhaps she can help me find a simpleton picture of my Holes.
My neighbor Gary, who also has Myeloma, his wife and I celebrated our almost 8 year Stem Cell Transplant anniversary at City of Hope last week. Thousands of people there. Just amazing all the families, all the lives saved, … and then those that were not… so many lives represented… We are the lucky ones!
And that’s where it’s at today May 18, 2018. My mind is still reeling from all the news, and my eyes want to see these stikin Holes on the scan pictures… Still processing the word “INNUMERABLE”… that’s sure a wake up call… “Innumerable lytic lesions throughout the axial and appendicular skeleton…” Holes. Innumerable Holes, has taken over my silent mental vocabulary.
We had a low key, but very fun Mother’s Day. I feel loved every day, and Myeloma can’t steal that from me. Hope all the mom’s reading this, had a lovely day too.