Too late smart

In 2 weeks, it will be 7 years since Tim’s multiple myeloma diagnosis. I just cannot believe that this much time has gone by. As I’ve said before, I feel like I’ve aged 20 years. It’s been 7 years of fear, sadness, loss of friends, both internet friends and those we’ve met face-to-face, and a lot of other harsh realities along the way. We’ve had a lot to be grateful for too, Tim’s long period of stability, most notably. But, all things are relative. We are still living a nightmare, just not as bad as it could be for now. Today we are possibly going to a wake. This is for the cousin of a family friend of Tim’s family, and, the couple that was there when we had that huge blow-up with Tim’s parents almost 2 and 1/2 years ago. We have not seen them since. They live in NC. We have learned a lot of hard lessons about people in these last years. Some will stick with you in a crisis. Others will back out on you. And, it may not be the ones you ever expected that do either of those things. Unfortunately, people still make the statement to Tim that, “life is too short” when they hear about our separation from his family. Then, if Tim explains why, they are floored to know the things that were done/said to us, and they realize just how toxic the situation had become. Yes, life is short, and it was not Tim’s parents who were handed the cancer diagnosis, it was Tim. Trust me, WE KNOW that life is short. I  feel bad for Tim. To be so disappointed in your own family. Truly sad. We are on speaking terms with everyone but his brother and his wife, at this point though. We don’t speak to them much, but we tolerate them when we have to. Tim’s parents wanted to take us out to dinner for his 50th birthday and had gifts to give Tim. We weren’t crazy about going, but we did. In the middle of the dinner, his father overhears me talking to his mother about a trip we’re planning for Tim’s 50th. We’re not sure where we’re going yet, but I mentioned my unease about going to some island in a 3rd world country. For one thing, our medical insurance doesn’t cover us out of the country. For another, after more than a half dozen trips to the emergency room over the last 7 years, with illnesses that included sepsis, pneumonia, disseminated shingles, cellulitis, a sinus abcess, and so on, there is significant risk for us to be in a place with substandard health care. His father, who always considered me too much of a worrier for his taste, interrupts and says to me, “do you really want to go through life worrying about things like that?” As he sits 3 inches away from his son, whose life has been in jeopardy too many times in the last 7 years, yet he distanced himself so remains blissfully unaware of just how dangerous it was and hard it was on us three. I looked at him and had to darn near bite my tongue off. The look probably made his blood run cold. I had to take a breath and remind myself that my daughter was right there. I said, “well, I suppose that would be great if we did not have a medical condition to think about.” It was said in as icy a tone as I’ve ever heard come out of my mouth and he knew he was a fool to say that to me. If anyone EVER needed a 10 second delay button. He then said, “you’re right, that does have to be thought of first.”NO sh*t, Sherlock. I don’t need you to tell me
that.” It must be nice to be able to check out of a situation that bothers you and let everyone else handle things while you pretend it just isn’t happening and go on your merry way. I wouldn’t know.
I’ve probably said this before on this blog too, I’ve learned that you shouldn’t waste your life minutes with people who are not good to you. I wish I learned it a long time ago. There are a lot of things I wish I knew and learned a long time ago. I’m 48 and realize I wasted a lot of time in my life. Yes, life is short, we have to do what we can to grab joy while we can. Tim, Liv and I are going to try taking more day trips on the weekends. All our time is spent working and doing chores and that bucket list isn’t getting shorter at all. All work and no play. Time to try to balance that out a bit more. We took a drive down to the Jersey shore recently. It was nice. Not much to do down there but sightsee but, we feel like we did something different than our norm. I’ll have to figure out what our next adventure will be. It’s high time to spend quality time together. No time like the present.