These days

I am recovering from my recent scare a lot better than I might have imagined I would’ve. I don’t know if it was the valium and sleep deprived state I was in when it happened, making it feel like it was a bad dream, or the fact that I fear going back down the agoraphobia route much more than I fear SVT happening again. But, whatever the reason,
I have put it behind me pretty well. Oh, I’m sure my frequent palpitations will give me a bit more of
a “start” when they happen now. And, my next vacation may be a little nerve-wracking, knowing I am not so near to healthcare. But, after all the scares I have had in my life, one realizes that if something is not happening to you right now, you can’t sit around waiting for it to happen, you have to get on with it. With our current life situation, going back to avoidance behaviors, with the responsibilities that I have now, and Tim’s insane work schedule, is just not an option. I go to the cardiologist this Tuesday. I will be nervous, AND annoyed because it took so long to get this appt. and I’m still only seeing my doctor’s assistant. I hope I can start blood pressure meds, that will also help me avoid another incident like this last one, without causing more fainting issues. A lot to consider here and I HATE not talking to my own doctor about it. I’m starting to think I should have waited for his next opening, but we’ll see how it goes. On another topic, we have started our softball season. Olivia is starting pitcher this year(she was relief last year). She is doing fantastic, though it is VERY hard watching your kid pitch. SO MUCH pressure. We won all 4 games that we played. On Tuesday night, we played a game that had to end in the 4th inning due to darkness. Most fields have lights, but not all.
Liv pitched the whole game(they can only pitch 4 innings at this age). They stopped the game after the 2nd out of the 4th and out of 11 outs total in the game, Olivia made 8 of them. She struck out 4, and fielded 4 grounders, tagging one runner out, and throwing 3 more out at bases. It was AWESOME and nights like that get me so pumped up, as well as make all those expensive pitching lessons worthwhile. She has told us that this is her last year. She has gotten tired of softball, having played since 1st grade. I’m sad but it’s her decision and Tim and I have coached for all those years. I like being a spectator too and it will be nice to have more time to myself in the springs. My parents are coming home from a 10-day cruise on Sunday. They called me from an island the other day. I think it was Antigua. They said it was gross. I don’t know why they would stop at places like this. I guess there are nice parts of the island, but the area where they docked was complete with open sewers and rats and they were really turned off. They started to explore and just headed back to the boat instead. I’ve never wanted to go on a cruise. People think I’m nuts but with my vertigo, and lousy stomach(people rave about the food they serve), I find no allure. I like the ocean, from the beach perspective and not from the middle of it. Anyhoo, I have decided not to tell my folks about my episode. They are so worried for me and my family already, with Tim’s MM. My mom’s memory is slipping and she is possibly living her worst nightmare(alzheimers). They don’t need more things to make them sad and worried. I also don’t want them to think they can’t go away on trips because they think we need them here for a support system, knowing we don’t have Tim’s family. Speaking of Tim’s family, his parents came to one of Liv’s games this past week. They have been leaving messages asking about the schedule and when I finally got it, I mailed it to them. Kinda nerve-wracking having them there but at least the bleachers were not close to my dugout. I sent Liv over after the game to see them, for the 1st time in 6 months. They gave her an Easter gift but spent surprisingly little time with her, and then left. Truly a sad situation. One wonders if my father-in-law has changed his attitude, after seeing how dearly it cost them, but my brother-in-law just took him to VT to have him spackle their laundry room and my father-in-law still called him a derogatory name. Honestly, I guarantee you that you have NEVER met anyone with a bigger chip on their shoulder. He thinks that tearing everyone down, brings them to his level of misery. He is going to wind up with noone in his life, except his wife, who has put up with it for 55+ years, and the kids of theirs who are waiting for an inheritance. I guess leopards really don’t change their spots and some people never learn from their mistakes. So, back to moi. I started working on ME, this week. I’m doing a little meditation to calm my mind and got in for a massage. Gonna try to keep it up. I need to find a way to relax more and focus my mind on tasks at hand. Despite my life being somewhat mundane, my mind has been in a whirlwind for it seems like forever. I need to slow it down. I feel like I’m going nowhere, but at warp speed, like a gerbil on one of those exercise wheels. The days just keep spinning away and I’m accomplishing very little around here. Nothing new there, but I really do have a LOT of things that are long past due, and my life would be so much easier, and calmer, if I were organized and caught up. Why can’t I get myself to DO THIS? I think that it’s all gotten so far away from me, I am overwhelmed and know it can’t be solved in one sitting. I need an assistant, someone I can delegate the everyday stuff to, so I can get to these necessary projects. I guess I have
to be happy taking “baby steps” and getting a little done at a time. SO not good at that patience thing.
Maybe I need to move down south, where the pace of life seems slower. It would probably drive a Jersey girl like me CRAZY, though. It’s a short trip! Opening day starts in awhile. Gotta run.