The Lesser Of Two Evils

It is that time again, welcome to Cycle Five! Steroids. Yes. Chemotherapy. Yes. Velcade. Double yes.

I dread the week ahead. Correction, the next nine days. I feel slightly guilty for having these thoughts, because I willed for me to go onto a fifth round of PADIMAC. I willed for me to go into the clinic for four days for at least five hours per day, knowing that the treatment will make me feel rotten for the five days following. I know that staying on the trial is the best thing for me, but that does not take away the fact that my treatment is unpleasant. Ever the pragmatist, I am prepared for it. The clean pyjamas are out, the easy to heat meals are in, easy to watch entertainment is on my television and the activities to keep me relatively entertained at the clinic are in my bag.

Even with activities like reading about information management, I am likely to get bored. Two of my three main clinic buddies are still on a working holiday (selfish), and my other clinic buddy actually has a nine-to-five and has previously been taking time off, so boredom is well and truly is on the cards. I am not sure why the rest of my friends have to work; this world is too cruel. I have probably planned too many activities, as well as my scintillating read, I plan to do some writing (never did I think I would be the sort of person to slip that into a conversation), catch up with my chemospondence and chat utter nonsense to the Medically Trained People. I am sure they appreciate it. If only I had my energy in the evening and not the day when I am stuck in the clinic alone.

As I know what is ahead, I made sure that I thoroughly enjoyed my week off. I especially enjoyed my weekend, once I knew that I did not have to wallow in treatment anxiety and pity. I baked, I cooked, I had quality time with my AQ, people farted in front of me and I laughed. I even gave myself a break from the blog, in an attempt to not think about My Myeloma. For most the time it worked. Inevitably though, it creeps in… I enjoy myself with my friends and get into my bed thinking about how I much enjoyed myself and my brain goes “don’t forget you have cancer, your enjoyment is a sham”, or something along those lines and I am back right back down to reality. I will not need to be reminded of this fact this week, but that’s okay because my brain is not going to work properly anyway.

So, let this week commence… Give it to me PADIMAC.

Think paraprotein reduction please.


Oh, before I forget, guess who gets to have a pregnancy test today? I just knew it was wrong for me to have all that unprotected sex with randoms last week… Oh well. You live and learn.