It is without a doubt that having cancer changes you as a person and has a ripple effect on all the people around you. January 7th, the date I was told of my new diagnosis, was life changing for me and those I love. However, not all of this has been for the worse, many of the changes I have had to make both internally and externally have made a difference to my life in a good way. Personally the hardest thing I have found is that however hard I try, Myeloma seems to be the one in control and for someone like myself, who is used to being in the drivers seat, this can be difficult to bare.
Both Myeloma and I struggle daily to be in charge and many a time Myeloma wins. I haven’t found admitting defeat easy but some days I am a Loser (with a capital L)! Take the last few days as an example. I had one plan Myeloma had another. My plan, as I had been feeling physically so much better, was to reduce and almost totally free myself from the numerous tablets, mostly pain killers, that I had been taking. The reason I wanted to do this was so I could enjoy a number of alcoholic beverages at my party. Unfortunately my plan has somewhat gone to pot and I am now racing against the clock to start bringing them all back in again. I thought I had turned a corner, as far as the neuropathic pain, I have been enduring over the last three months or so, is concerned. Unfortunately in the main, I was wrong. I do however think I have experienced an improvement, but I now know, that this has been largely due to the fact I, or rather we, being my pain nurse and I, had managed to get the balance of pain killers right and that is what had made the difference. This is disappointing Myeloma wins yet again. It has also brought back with it that most frustrating side effect of all, FATIGUE, and once again I am forced to succumb, just at a time when I want and need energy, Myeloma has become my dictator! Somehow, Myeloma and I need to build a partnership that works, i have to accept that it’s not going to go away, so we need to find a way of working together. I need to learn how to become a better team player instead of being the captain of the ship. So I have had no choice to take it easy over the next few days and OK I won’t do some of the things I had planned to do before my party, but come on Myeloma give me a break and at least let me find some energy on the day of my party, that’s not too much to ask is it?
Luckily for me I have a number of kind people around me to ensure all goes to plan on the day and I am learning quickly how to become a team player and work with them and allowing them to do the lion’s share.
To share another example as to how a Myeloma has changed my life, today I am meeting up with my uncle and his wife who are over from Hong Kong. Previously I would have hosted lunch at my home especially as the weather is so good, and together we would have enjoyed a picnic lunch in the garden. I would have got up early and together with Colin ensured our home was clean and tidy. Instead I lie here typing away whilst Colin is already up and about no doubt doing many of the chores I would have done and enjoyed (if I hadn’t been working) prior to Myeloma coming along. Secumbing wasn’t a word in my vocabulary, pre Myeloma.
I am grateful for all the help I receive but the role reversal of carer and been cared for is one of the hardest things I have had to get used to.
Dear Myeloma you have taught me so much but if I could completely shut you out of my world I would! I hate you lurking in the background and then pouncing on me when I least expect it. I don’t want to make friends with you but if I am forced to work in partnership with you so be it, I will make the best job I can out of it but just watch your back!
Last night we slept in our lovely motor home as it was so much cooler than our bedroom, I think both of us had a good nights sleep but it is not even 7 o’clock yet and I can hear the hoover going on from inside the house. Bless my lovely dear husband who really is one in a million.
Only four sleeps to go now and I really am getting excited. Myeloma is not going to spoil the day for me, I will not allow it to do so.
Enjoy the sunshine again today and perhaps the weather being a little cooler.
Deborah x
