The C Word

I hesitated about using the title above. I have just watched the BBC1 drama about Lisa and her emotional journey with breast cancer. It has inspired me to get back on my blog as my emotions are running high and I feel the need to get some of it written down. 

It was such a sensitively filmed production. Not jut sensitive but in my mind spot on. Whilst Nick and I were lucky enough to have kids before my diagnosis, so much of what her and her husband went through rang true to me. I literally sobbed from start to finish as it brought so much home to me.. From feelings of sadness of what we lost with my diagnosis, to feelings of sadness and guilt of what Nick and my family saw me go through, to feelings of extreme luckiness of the situation that I am in now.

I said that to Nick and I think he thinks I’m barmy! Despite being the eternal optimist in our relationship, I’m not sure Nick would use the term lucky at all. And yet me, the most glass half empty person you’ve ever met, genuinely believes that in comparison to many of my good myeloma friends and supporters, I am amazingly lucky. And with myeloma it seems to come down to luck. Where one person responds to treatment, another doesn’t and loses their options. Yet for me, I am still in remission 4 years on,and rightly or not, I belive that advances are coming that might just make me regret my older relaxed attitude to old age ( you know, that place I was never going to get to!). 

But back to the programme and the tears. It was amazing how it got across the impact on the carers and the family. Unless that was just knowing that Nick had gone through what Lisa’s husband went through. The heartache of seeing someone struggle and being able to do nothing. Being so very helpless. And actually being half invisible to those around too. It was all about me, and whilst yes I was struggling immensely both physically and emotionally, I think that Nick was too but is very strong externally and so looks like everything is fine. And that’s to me too! My family was so caring for him though and I hope that really helped him…to them, he is much a part of our family as I am. 

I am sure there’s so much more I could write on this but it nearly 11.30 and I’m emotionally exhausted having watched that. My thoughts go out to all those I know dealing with this damned disease, whether it’s breast cancer, myeloma or some other form of cancer. It all sucks. Keep strong when you can, don’t worry when you can’t.