The bottom line is …

…I have got CANCER ( I am sure I have mentioned this before but it’s important I write it down in order for it to sink in!) and I might as well get used to it. It isn’t going to magically go away no matter the amount of visualising I do. I think acceptance is the answer to my future happiness. So after a few more tears and stamping around shouting why me, like a spoilt child, I realised I needed to get on with living. I have to re evaluate what’s important in my life and what I can now realistically manage to do. The pain in my legs is quite disabling and that’s when I am on the strong pain killers. I need to find out from other people who have suffered from Periphial Neuropathy how long this lasts. I also need to do little bits at a time and then rest and more importantly feel Ok about it. Yesterday I over did it, not that I did that much, because really I hardly did anything at all. This upset me as I felt frustrated with myself. I must however, consider myself lucky at being able to sit in the sunshine every day and have a lie in in the mornings. It’s about living in the moment and that’s what I need to practice in order to get better at doing. I am sure many of you would love to lie in the sunshine and not go out to work but just think of the cost!

My garden is beginning to look wonderful and I am very grateful to my mum for giving up her time to come over and pull up weeds, dig and sow seeds. She is over 70 and comes over after going to the gym where she swims over 20 lengths and she has Emphysema! She really is a remarkable woman, I wish I had her energy.

Well we should have some more good weather today, Colin and I are thinking of going camping all be it being in our back field. I sleep so well in the motorhome not that I don’t sleep well anywhere now a days. We also want to go and visit my Aunty Judy and Uncle Ken but we have started to sort out our spare room ready to decorate before the party so we can put up more guests. I don’t know how I ever fitted in working full time?

Tomorrow I hope to see Jem and Elliot and the following day Pollyanna and Rob. Both girls are very good and understand I can’t do much before getting very tired. Pollyanna has already offered to bring and cook the lunch on Monday.

I almost finished the party invitations yesterday but I need to send them to the committee for approval first in case I have missed any thing out which is quite likely.

I think I may have a lie in this morning, Colin is up and out already picking up our online shopping. Online shopping at Tesco’s is great as I didn’t start it until 8pm last night and they will have it all bagged up ready for us to collect by 8am. It is one of the small things I can do to contribute towards the daily chores, I imagine the shops will be pretty busy today.

I was just thinking of what I have missed since becoming ill and what I have gained. I bet the gained outweighs what I have lost let’s see.

Things I miss
Work (I really did love my job)
My colleagues
My hair
Cooking for my friends and family
A delusion that I will live for ever

Things I have gained
Lots of new friends.
More time to spend with my lovely husband.
Having more time to see my children and grandson.
More time to see my little dog Frodo.
Enjoying my home and it’s surroundings.
All the goodwill and kindness I have experienced.
Not having to wait until the weekend before I go out.
Short hair, it’s so much easier to manage.
Help to do daily chores like housework and ironing.
A love of writing, I just wish I could make some money from it. I never did hear back from any of the journalists I was introduced to :(
Time to write.
A better understanding of the fragility of life.

So it’s easy to see I have gained much more than I have lost.

Don’t wait for a big shock to wake you up to the important and beautiful things around you

Enjoy each moment for what it is.

I think I will have another nap now.

Deborah x