Taken from a Facebook post today

“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” ~Dean Koontz, from his book ‘Odd Hours’ (Must get this book!)

I have read some awesome and powerful stuff on Facebook. I have become an addict and I really have to tear myself away from this computer. There is probably a lot of stuff that I should have printed out and held on to. This quote here was something I felt I had to document somewhere, but not something I wanted on the fridge, so, here it is. The only line I don’t think I agree with is when it says that you’re not driven to your knees by the weight of the loss, but by gratitude for the life preceding the loss. I don’t think that’s true, at least not in the early stages of grief, and maybe not ever.
I think the weight of losing someone you love is a crushing blow and the finality and loneliness of it all is what brings you to your knees.

It’s been a tough year to get in the mood for Christmas. Tim’s hospitalization 6 weeks ago was a reminder of how tenuous things are when one is immunocompromised. Our family has gotten so small, the holidays have lost that “party” atmosphere. Oldest sis moved to VT and is not coming home for Christmas this year. One of my younger sisters is still estranged from the entire family, and no one is really looking to change that. Last year, we spent Christmas home in our jammies, all 3 of us just getting over the flu. This year, my youngest sis, who we spend the holidays with, and really my best friend, just came down with something. SO, we are praying it’s nothing worse than a cold and we can celebrate as planned.

Anyhow, back to that grief thing, I know people who recently lost spouses or parents, have 2 close friends struggling with illnesses on top of the myeloma they have, and know of 2 women whose husbands are at that “nothing more we can really do” stage. I don’t post as much as I used to, and part of that is that, in all honesty, I am aware that I have a certain level of depression and I feel bad making depressing posts. But, that is how I’m feeling right now. I try to count my blessings and perk up. But, I am aware that it’s just a coping mechanism and that my life is still really hard and most likely going to get much harder. Olivia got her first college acceptance letter in the mail yesterday too and the changes that our lives are heading for in 2016 are scary and really tough ones. I’m struggling with it all. I really am. On the other hand, I also see the lives of widows move forward after losing their spouses. It gives one hope, I suppose. The human heart can adapt to even the most awful of scenarios, and heal, to a certain degree, I guess. But, the fact that I am possibly, if not probably, headed in that direction is something that never leaves my mind completely. I usually love the holidays. But, since Tim’s diagnosis, I have come to understand how they can be so depressing for people. You want to be happy, you really do. You think you’re supposed to be happy, after all, isn’t everyone around you happy? But, it’s complicated when your life has this dark cancer cloud hanging over it.

Trying to take things one day at a time. But, after almost 9 years of living under this stress, I am dog-tired. I feel like I have run out of steam for it all.

Oh well, speaking of steam, I have a LOT to do and have been dragging my arse WAY too much lately, so, time to get cracking.

Sorry for the bummer post. I am going to have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and “fake it ’til I make it” for the sake of my husband and kid. And myself too.

I do SO wish everyone a blessed holiday season and a great 2016.