Giving In and Giving Up

Every few months or so I make the same stupid mistake. 
Sometimes I
just get so frustrated with
my poor health,

never ending infections and  PAIN,  that
I just decide to throw it all
up.

I mean literally and figuratively!
  


Lately I have been dealing with nausea from too many antibiotics

resulting in stomach aches and another ulcer. 

Also...
My liver decided to quit functioning properly.


So a few weeks
ago I had a liver biopsy. 

The Liver doctor inserted a long
needle between the ribs

on my right side and pulled out a sample of
tissue to be examined.

(it was not nearly as painful as I had imagined-thank goodness)

It's been over three long anxious weeks and
I still
have not received any results.
 

The nurse did tell me over the phone that
it's not likely cancer

from the lab report she read (whew).
But still I
must continue to wait! Very frustrating!!
  


So to sum it all up.
I am sick of being sick! 
Yesterday I decided
to quit. 

Instead of getting out my 2/day pill box filled with antibiotics,
pills for this side effect and another for
the side
effect of that side effect,

as well as a host of vitamins and
minerals,

I just gave up and threw the box up onto the shelf.
I
tore off my pain patch and decided it was all in my head. 

Maybe the
reason I am always tired, have no appetite and can't sleep

or can't
sleep enough is just because of all these stupid drugs!


     

At 2am I woke up in PAIN.
It hurt from my toes up to my nose.
My body was stiff and grating.

I managed to hobble to the bathroom to
get a drink. "I can do this,"

I said giving myself a pep
talk, I turned my iPod on,

plugged in my ear phones and forced myself to
go back to sleep

 while listening to my " middle of the night, lull me
to sleep music".


It finally worked for a couple hours
until the pain
grew and gnawed me awake. 

I lay there gathering my thoughts and then

finally my strength to do what I had to do.
  

I hobbled back to the bathroom pulled down my pill box,
and
took the few most important pills including a pain pill. 

I grabbed a
new pain patch and slapped it on my back.


I gave up and gave in. 
I gave up the idea that my poor health is all
in my head. 

That the pain is just imagined,
and that because I am in
cancer remission

 the effects of fighting it have disappeared.
They
haven't.
 

And I gave in to the fact that I can not do this on my own. 
That
(as my husband says) "It is what it is." 

My body has pain and my body
is still trying to heal.

I can not run away from that fact. 

I
gave my pain and my problems up in prayer.
      

I pleaded for strength and courage to continue.
I need medication. I need faith.
I need strength from my Father in Heaven.

When I quit fighting against the pain, and
give in to what I must do.
When I give up my pride in trying to do it all my own,
and lean on the Lord for help,
I gather the strength to continue
climbing this multiple myeloma mountain. 

Here is one of my favorite hymns.
"How Firm a Foundation"
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am
thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and
cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my
righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.









  


Please pass the Catch-up

Hellooo, I’m back.  I have stopped and started several posts over the past few months.  I could say I have had writers block but my reasons for not writing have not been from a lack of what to write but rather from feeling overwhelmed with having too many things to write about.  Here are a few summaries of some of those possible posts to catch up.

Uncle Spencer 13, with Tabi, 16 months

     December: a change in meds had me experiencing extreme side effects of depression for several days.  I now understand what that black hole feels like and have gained new empathy for those who struggle with depression.  I feel much better now!

   
Elder Kelly with a family in Puerto Rico
Christmas: I had a wonderful Christmas.  My two favorite gifts inluded a phone call and skype with my son on an LDS mission in Puerto Rico…  and receiving the announcement that my son and his wife are expecting their second child. I am going to get another grandbaby next summer!
Tabi preparing to be a big sister.
   
 Good food, fun, and lots of family for the holidays.
    January.  Found out I have developed cataracts from the steriod treatments on a Monday.  On Thursday morning I could not be woke up.  When I did finally come around I had lost my hearing!   After spending several hours in the E.R.,  My hearing returned and a MRI found only another sinus and ear infection.    Strange but lucky!
    February  I am finally gaining some energy.  It feels so good to have a little momentum.  I actually deep cleaned my basement!
   Last weekend I had a visit from my cousin  who is in remission with colon cancer.  We spent the weekend talking about cancer, life, and life after cancer.  It was great therapy.  Thanks Jill!

                                                                        So here I am. 
 My body is continuing to heal and recover from cancer and chemo.  It has been a very long and winding road.

 I am learning to keep the past in the past where it belongs.

 I can’t keep looking back to the pain over the past three years,  but look back only to find the progress that I have made. 

 I am learning that I have a future that looks pretty bright.  It may not be the way I planned it, but whose really is!  I can move mountains with the help of Him who created them and the love and support of family, friends.  I can move mountains with faith that the Lord has a plan for me!




  

Thankful Thursday #2

THANK YOU JOE for……………….
Endless driving to dr. appointments,  drinks of water, and deepening dependence.  
Hugs and holding my hand, and masked messages only we can share.
Blessings and  strategic juggling of household chores and children’s activities.
Earning a living while easing my burdens.  More than most men could handle.
Telling me I’m beautiful with my bare head and raw emotions.
Walgreen runs and a package of oreos under my pillow. 
Calming my housewife guilt with a gentle hand; leading me back to lie down.
Phone calls, “just checking on you calls,” and “just because I love you,” calls. 
How do I ever express my gratitude and love for this man that married me over twenty six years ago. 
Covenanting with me and God to be by my side as we began a life and family together.  
Both have given us more than one could imagine.  
Breathtaking mountains to climb and breath “shaking” changes as we race up and
 down this roller-coaster of a life buckled in tightly together.  

Time for Another Hike

My four sons, son-in-law, and daughter. Aren’t they handsome….and beautiful?!
Our only daughter was married on June 3rd. It was such a wonderful celebration. She was married in the Salt Lake LDS temple. The ceremony was beautiful, simple, and sacred. We haven’t felt like we were losing a daughter but that we are gaining a son.

It’s been six weeks since my last round of chemo. A serious break after 18 months of treatment. After explaining to my doctor all of the upcoming events happening in May, he agreed to let me take time off of treatment. I was desperately hoping he would say that nine months of maintenance was plenty however that wasn’t the case. He did say that we must always weigh out treatment with quality of life issues. Well I must say that “my quality of life” has needed some adjustment so it was wonderful to take a “breather” for six weeks!It has taken a good month to shake off the fatigue and some of the “chemo brain.” Just in the nick of time I have been able to enjoy some wonderful events with my family.
Now it’s time to jump back on the chemo roller coaster. I head up to Huntsman on Monday to begin treatment. I will start with labs. They will be checking to make sure all systems are “go.” Then the games begin. An IV with some saline, a quick push of Velcade(chemo) and a three hour infusion of Aredia-a bone hardening infusion. I will also start back up on Dexamethasone and a new drug called Revlimid. I am not looking forward to the next three months. It is so hard to start back. This time I know what I am getting into! …so wish me luck, keep me in your prayers, and I will get back on my hiking boots and climb a little further up this mountain.