Giving In and Giving Up

Every few months or so I make the same stupid mistake. 
Sometimes I
just get so frustrated with
my poor health,

never ending infections and  PAIN,  that
I just decide to throw it all
up.

I mean literally and figuratively!
  


Lately I have been dealing with nausea from too many antibiotics

resulting in stomach aches and another ulcer. 

Also...
My liver decided to quit functioning properly.


So a few weeks
ago I had a liver biopsy. 

The Liver doctor inserted a long
needle between the ribs

on my right side and pulled out a sample of
tissue to be examined.

(it was not nearly as painful as I had imagined-thank goodness)

It's been over three long anxious weeks and
I still
have not received any results.
 

The nurse did tell me over the phone that
it's not likely cancer

from the lab report she read (whew).
But still I
must continue to wait! Very frustrating!!
  


So to sum it all up.
I am sick of being sick! 
Yesterday I decided
to quit. 

Instead of getting out my 2/day pill box filled with antibiotics,
pills for this side effect and another for
the side
effect of that side effect,

as well as a host of vitamins and
minerals,

I just gave up and threw the box up onto the shelf.
I
tore off my pain patch and decided it was all in my head. 

Maybe the
reason I am always tired, have no appetite and can't sleep

or can't
sleep enough is just because of all these stupid drugs!


     

At 2am I woke up in PAIN.
It hurt from my toes up to my nose.
My body was stiff and grating.

I managed to hobble to the bathroom to
get a drink. "I can do this,"

I said giving myself a pep
talk, I turned my iPod on,

plugged in my ear phones and forced myself to
go back to sleep

 while listening to my " middle of the night, lull me
to sleep music".


It finally worked for a couple hours
until the pain
grew and gnawed me awake. 

I lay there gathering my thoughts and then

finally my strength to do what I had to do.
  

I hobbled back to the bathroom pulled down my pill box,
and
took the few most important pills including a pain pill. 

I grabbed a
new pain patch and slapped it on my back.


I gave up and gave in. 
I gave up the idea that my poor health is all
in my head. 

That the pain is just imagined,
and that because I am in
cancer remission

 the effects of fighting it have disappeared.
They
haven't.
 

And I gave in to the fact that I can not do this on my own. 
That
(as my husband says) "It is what it is." 

My body has pain and my body
is still trying to heal.

I can not run away from that fact. 

I
gave my pain and my problems up in prayer.
      

I pleaded for strength and courage to continue.
I need medication. I need faith.
I need strength from my Father in Heaven.

When I quit fighting against the pain, and
give in to what I must do.
When I give up my pride in trying to do it all my own,
and lean on the Lord for help,
I gather the strength to continue
climbing this multiple myeloma mountain. 

Here is one of my favorite hymns.
"How Firm a Foundation"
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am
thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and
cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my
righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.