by Kris Kelly 8/25/10
I sit in the warm grainy sand.
Back and forth I massage my tingly toes and feet in the warmth of the grains.
Messaging my mind with myeloma thoughts.
Always there when my world is quiet.
The hot sun warms my cold bones,
my chemo curls.
The hot sun melts into my parched skin
dried from drugs, and side effects.
I don’t recognize parts of this body anymore.
Portraits from my past are just faint ripples
of my reflection in the water now.
My youthful appearance changes as the effects
of dex puff and fluff shaking my nerves, my hands, my patience.
The dex waves this week seem stronger.
The foaming swirls swoosh up to my ankles.
lapping at my soul.
threatening to overcome my positive thoughts
my marching-forward-attitude, my sunshine.
I breathe deep, sleep more, try to protect my children from my pain.
I’m hiding my slacking energy behind the strong shoulders of my beloved.
I breathe, I wait, I pray, and then…
The draining dex waves slink back into the sea
and once again I can see the hidden gifts left behind
in the wet, cool, sand.
The shiny twisted shells of miracles.
Each one a unique blessing.
The life I have been given, the smooth, peaceful thoughts of family, love, God.
The tender mercies of my Saviour glistening among the grains.
and I arise stiffly, slowly and walk back to my world preparing for another round.
I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma October 2008. Dexamethasone was the first medication I was prescribed. I have been on this steroid continuously since then. Two weeks ago I finished up my last round of Dex. I go in for blood tests, a PET scan and a biopsy next week and then meet with my Oncologist at Huntsman a few days later. Assuming that my “numbers” are all good, I will be done with maintenance treatment!
I was feeling pretty poetic and somewhat dramatic as I wrote this poem a year ago. I just wanted to get down on paper what I felt on my “dex days.”