Thanks to all the men and women who have made our country safe!

Veterans Day is a day to remember the brave people who have defended our country in some way or another. My brother is a veteran. And my other brother died in Vietnam . I protested that war in the early 70’s and still feel it was a terrible waste of human life. But that doesn’t take away from that all who have served deserve respect and honor. They have earned it.

its quite cold here, but at least sunny. I walked this morning it was probably 30! I’m kinda thinking of breaking the JKWP and only go when I feel like it. I never seem to get ahead with feeling like I can do anymore than a mile and lately I just don’t have it in me it seems. Since I havent broken it by a day yet, I suppose that’ll be monumental. Plus now with this new development of the rib pain ,who knows what’s going on. I see my doctor in 2 weeks and get zometa. Maybe I should have had the zometa sooner?? It’s a bit of a guessing game I suppose.

Yesterday I did some town chores and made pulled pork on the crockpot. I added blackberry sauce at the end which is really good. Our local bbq place did that and we loved it. Today is just a home day,vacuuming, tidying and I’m going to pull out the christmas wrap . We got another load of gravel for the driveway too. So after this its a NO SPEND everything. Except food and basics.

Tomorrow I’m going to whole foods for a turkey breast and world Market to look for some little gifts for my sister.(she loved the mushroom measuring spoons,I got there!)

Well, I’m trying not to be depressed but sometimes it’s just hard to keep it together…. My typical MO is to just hide. Read or just sit and think, or not think as it may be. Oh, well…

Fragile.



Fragile, the word that currently describes and defines me. It isn’t the rather lovely fragile that is used to describe a delicate piece of bone china, I’m more stoneware than that. Or the petals of a spring flower, when I was nine my nan told me I had thighs like tree trunks. 

My fragile is more the mental kind, one careless word and I might shatter into a million pieces, I’m already in about a hundred. My “negativity” is bringing Mike down. The Mike who now feels so much better (everyone celebrate because I can’t!), who now feels like himself again and who can’t understand why I don’t. 

The atmosphere has been at times “prickly” over the last couple of days. Things have been said in anger that I will not repeat. 

Mike is having another dialysis session, four hours on the machine today. If Wednesday is anything to go by he’ll be home at 7:30 this evening having left at 11:45 when his transport arrived. No different to him going out to work, except he doesn’t get paid (Mike’s quote not mine.) He tells everyone on FB that he is getting along okay (which he is) and that I’m struggling (which I am). It is treated like a case of man ‘flu almost. Something that will soon be gotten over. That’s the way Mike sees it, three months of going to the hospital three times a week for dialysis. Then, after a bit of training, the rest of the time DIY at home to suit him, which is fantastic compared with the hours at the hospital. Bad cop sees something different. I cannot articulate the way I am feeling inside which is frustrating. 

I’m depressed, suffering from anxiety and a guilt that I can’t be happy that Mike is feeling better. 

Well what do you know?

Not a lot is my usual reply. I have learnt over the last few months, what with TT and stuff that my relationship with food is complex very simple. I use food as a celebration; weddings, birthdays, winning the lottery, having good news. I also use it as a comforter; funerals, bad news, lonliness. When I’m bored I cook, when I’m happy I cook, when I’m depressed I cook, let’s be honest I generally cook! So it is easy to see how I got to put so much weight on, especially over the last couple of years with no job and no-one to keep me company. Today’s baking falls into the “I need cheering up” category. I’m suffering from Aussie withdrawal.

Lemon icing cupcakes
Having had 2 weeks off the D.I.E.T. thing I of course gained a couple of pounds, not that I mind in the slightest, it averages out at less than 3 ounces a day, a very small price to pay for all the joy I have had over the last fortnight. It does mean that I won’t be eating any of the above!!