Surviving

So much to say… Let me open with…  I have many valid excuses to pack up my things, close my mouth and walk away from multiple fights we are currently in.  With regards to the cancer, unfortunately, not much to be done besides self-care, and finding new ways to live with that as a permanent house guest.   Oh… and don’t forget… stay toxic environment and stress-free.   

In regards to my current custody battle, we are being attacked on every front; psychologically, emotionally, finances stolen, our household goods were given away to make a cross country move, in an effort to be healthier and attempt to co-parent with a person that swore had no intentions to harm.  I was merely trying to be a good human being and provide safety for my girls in the event the cancer took me.

I’ve learned and grown so much, yet this one thread of darkness keeps rising up and pulling us down.   I hear on a weekly basis from experts that I am showing amazing strength or survivor skills.   My response is… I am TIRED of merely scrapping and surviving, to have something slither up beside us and steal any peace we obtain as well as the material (replaceable) stuff.   I am asking the universe how long do I need to wage this war? Not just for me… but for the future of my kids? 

I have this cancer, I believe that was brought on by intense life stressors and toxic relationships.  I do make every effort to change and make better choices and improve. This has been our seemingly invisible REALITY for going on 19 years .   We don’t need pity or bailouts, sometimes just validation and proper directions.  

I often wonder if I spend the last half of my surviving life… I chose the “legally within 40 miles distance” in order separate us from potential re abuse and the Missouri legal system allows just enough wiggle room for it to be covertly violated?  The kicker is all the people that might have been able to help were misinformed (as was I) in the very beginning.  So I get to accept the fact there is no way to return those lost family relationships or potential supports.

Anyway.  So my social worker assures me… any hope I had in just being kind or civil to a mentally ill person hell bent on destruction of me and my kids will never change.  But the silver lining is this… I can continue to find ways to manage my own stress and emotions to what is done towards us.  I can breathe. I can walk away. Ground myself.  Take every moment one at a time.   And it does not have to always be this way, but final solutions must be made (not temp fixes or bandaids of relief).    My part is to not lose faith, hope, or strength and forgiving myself for not reading minds or hearts or for assuming “all” people are capable of growth or change -regardless of shared offspring responsibility.   Logistical errors were made, but there is help if I am strong enough to admit mistakes and stop blaming myself for things beyond my personal control.  

Multiple Myeloma… I have to say… thank you.   Thank you for showing up and giving me 2 full months of hospitalization…. the first and only real vacation I had in 14 years at that point.  And cancer…. thank you for putting me in terminal illness status because without the social security benefits, I could not have housed or fed my children.   Cancer thank you for being terrifying and letting me face Real Fear and remain standing. Thank you for almost killing me… because through fighting YOU and beating YOU… I have learned that I possess the strength to defeat any monsters that wish to show themselves to me and my children again… I KNOW THIS NOW.  

I am not whining or complaining.  Just stating facts.  People think they know what it is like to be a survivor of domestic violence and/cancer, but I assure you.  It’s impossible to wrap your brain around the depravity of some people in this world.