Cloudy – Simon & Garfunkel
I’ve hesitated to post this. It’s 2 weeks now since my last appointment, and more since I wrote much of what follows. It seems bleak to blog negativity, when really I should just be grateful for each month I keep out of the chemo unit. But life is more complex than that.
|Clouds, and also sunshine. Vilnius|
I would love to say I’ve kept positive, these last few weeks. I’d love to say I can see the purpose, beyond the ordeal. I’d love to boast of maximising the value of my time, of the things I’ve gone out and done, of the fun I’ve been to be around. But I would be lying.
I’m conscious, often, not to make special pleading for mm. (There’s plenty of other shit dealt out.) But it does have its own exquisite features. Unlike last time, I can see what faces me in its entirety: because I’m not preoccupied with the shock of diagnosis, or the ravages of advanced symptoms. But instead of making it easier, it somehow makes the transaction – the cost, and the benefit – more stark and less appealing.
If the past is any guide, the next few years could be thus:
- 1 year treatment – chemo and SCT
- 2(+) years remission – dormant mm accompanied by fatigue and every passing virus
- 2(+) years relapse – with the clock ticking loudly
And then, with a following wind and a bit of luck, I’ll be back where I am now.
I ask myself which of those three phases is the best one to be in.
I guess the answer should be “remission”…
But I’ve actually felt much better physically in the last couple of years – less fatigued, less jaded…
So I’m tempted to answer “relapse”…
Except I’m haunted by the endless check-ups, discussions, the impending doom…
In some ways “treatment” is the easiest phase…
It’s clear what the objective is, and everyone rallies round in support….
But what kind of insanity is that! Am I willing myself into chemo? Everyone knows that being on chemo sucks. If I’m even entertaining the thought that it might make me happier, then I must have lost my mind.
When I first researched myeloma, all those years ago now, one of the things that fixed in my head was the description of hypercalcemia symptoms as “stones, bones, groans, thrones and psychiatric overtones”. It didn’t seem at all surprising, to me, that the various painful and dignity depriving symptoms would between them tend to impact mental health. (And hypercalcemia is but one component of myeloma.) It’s easiest to restrict conversation to talk about the physical indignities, of course. I reckon I’m pretty mentally robust, if I’m honest, but the endless assault of myeloma is still tough.
(Sorry for all the moaning.)
I’ll post a follow up, in a couple of days, about the treatment ahead.