So, Now What?

Stuck in Survival

I daily ask myself: “Why am I still here?” To be here on planet earth, much like the rest of us who survive abuse or trauma in their past/present life.  A diagnosis of terminal cancer and other health related issues… or extreme adversity taught me the value of Life… Most of you already know I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma at age 37, then given 3-5 years, then 5-7 years, and now at 44, I am off chemo and in a remission that I was also told would ‘never happen.”  I find that not giving the cancer undue attention seems to serve me best.  For that reason, the small mention here, but if anyone has questions, I will gladly share privately.

I have been a spiritual person for as long as I can remember, but I would not say that I was always a Christian or a Bible thumper as some might have called me. I am not sure there is a category for me, but I cannot claim God does not exist, or that we do not possess the ability to seize that power inside of ourselves to change things that we never thought we could.  I believed (past) every word I read in that book, yet, I apparently stuck to the Red Letter portion my entire life, except when I was looking to shame or punish myself. I was still young, and still had much to learn about the harsh realities of life and not every situation fits perfectly in a little Sunday School box with a corresponding verse solution.  Not dogging on the Bible, just saying, it resides on my bookshelf with other books that have utterly changed my life and I still use them.

I need to be honest with myself and others to share experiences and hope somehow to inspire others to keep fighting for a better life. Fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity were emotions that ruled the greater part of my life (even still). I had to go through a series of extreme events and come through on the other side, before I grew the lady ‘ball’s to share stories (yes, plural). This story is a cautionary tale, but also something that I can now see positively… and it strangely makes sense with several perspective changes.  I believe I earned the title of Wonder Woman, I believe I am fully capable of caring for myself and my girls, but it took a long time to come to this belief.

I am a single mom of daughters, but I do not see myself as amazing as my children are genetically predisposed to think of me.  I do see myself as a woman that took on several responsibilities that were not hers to take, but with faith in the Creator… was able to make a life and accomplish a series of goals the last 20 years… yet, until recently I could not see myself as other than “missing The Mark”. I believed I did nothing of value (because it was not close to anything I had planned or hoped for myself). I was living with a narrative that no longer served me, and honestly … when I read anything I wrote in the past (yes, I realize it has not been that long), it is still difficult to recognize that woman.

Sometimes we go a whole lifetime…feeling ‘completely ‘fine’… We look around, people are on life’s hamster wheel or LIFE’S big highway, going someplace new. Once I stopped running in whatever direction I ‘believed’ was the ‘right direction, I could appreciate the ground on which I stand now. Every day, focus on now, and ask – What needs to be done? What can be done?  Many times I begged God to remove circumstances, or lesson the pain, or to remove me, but the answer I  always got was Nope. Can’t Quit… You SURVIVED, sorry, your story is not finished.  The past is gone, thank goodness for that, I needed to let it go a long time ago. I have been out of circulation online for a long time, but feel it is time to start sharing some funny, albeit; depending on your perspective, sad stories. I hope folks will stay tuned, I can promise I will not write as much as I have in the past, but I do have things to say (shocker)… and for once, I will not be talking out of my ass.