Side effects.

For me the grief has side effects. The biggest problem for me right now is anxiety. During the first week after Mike’s death I phoned everyone, I felt in control and confident. The second week became more difficult as time went on and now as I enter the third week I am so terrified I struggle to answer my own phone, even when I know who is calling, I don’t have a hope of making a call out. 

People have started asking me my plans. Am I going to take a holiday? Am I going to get a job? What are my plans for the house? Hang on I’ll ask Mike, oh I can’t. PANIC!!!!!! You wouldn’t believe there is a strong independent woman in there somewhere, she seems to have left the scene along with her beloved Mike. I know people mean well with their advice, but the reality is that I need an adult to take my life over for a while. I feel like a scared child lost in the woods, surrounded by big trees that all look the same. I am anxious about leaving the house, but anxious about being alone. The person Mike thought would help most is dealing with their own grief in the way that best suits them (carry on as if nothing has happened) and they very much expect me to stand on my own two feet when I can barely stand. I’ve asked them to help me but they say they can’t. 

Mike would know what to do.