I am constantly asking myself whether I conduct myself in a manner in which I can be proud of. It’s a question I asked myself before I had myeloma, but I have experienced, with myeloma, there are many more occasions where there is the possibility of me acting like a big old twit.
On the whole, I think I have handled My Myeloma pretty well and I hope that I will continue to do so. Though, in a world where everything is exaggerated, so too are my actions and this gives me reason to think. Every time I have an uncontrollable crying session, like yesterday when I was told that my treatment may be delayed, I am ashamed. I’m ashamed that I could not be stronger and hide my fears, weakness and disappointment. I am not proud when I argue with my friends. I could always handle a situation better, but it’s a struggle when my mind is all over the place. I can find no pride in the times I have lost my temper with the daycare nurses for delays with my treatment, accept at NHNN, they deserved my wrath.
The thing is, if I want things to be normal and my life to continue, I’m going to make mistakes and questionable decisions. I am going to upset people and I am going to upset myself. Although I would like it to, cancer does not make me invisible. Even superheroes are flawed. I know this because I have seen the movies.
That said, there are many daily things that I do find pride in. During PADIMAC, any poo was worthy of a photo. On Saturday, I used the Hoover. And today? Well, thus far, I am so proud of myself that I was able to produce more than three litres of piss in the last 24 hours. I filled a bottle.
My self worth ain’t going anywhere. Hear that Fake Menopause?
EJB x
