Beware… Today is DEX STEROID day… aka ROID RAGE day so this post “rages” on and on and on… lol!
As I down more pills and meds today than I have fingers, I can’t help thinking… and thinking and thinking (as I always do) … WHY do I have incurable cancer? WHAT did I do to cause this? WHY me? I want the remainder of my life to be long, fun, fulfilling and silly! I’m too young to be thinking about how much time I have left, when I’m going to get all my rides in, and when my demise will actually arrive…
Over and over I have pondered the impact of stress and stressors. I do believe stress has a HUGE impact on our Bio-Physiology… changing, damaging, altering our inner chemistry and genetic profile, creating a ripe host for cellular mutations, aka stupid cancer. Most everyone I know who has been diagnosed with cancer (minus very young children), SIGNIFICANT stress has been a factor in their lives. (Those that know me well, know “the stressor” that stressed me out most of my life! But that’s for an entirely different blog topic haha!)
And perhaps there IS an immune system connection with my life long hypothyroidism, allergies (food and environmental) and a short bout with asthma, and that crazy benign neuroma tumor (located in my lower neck/clavicle area) I had removed back in 1998? I’ll have to look for research and studies related to those. Thanks though to extensive and continuing chemo, my 2010 ASCT, allergies are mostly completely non-existent, and haven’t had any asthma since our cute pet rats passed on 15+ years ago. Yeah for chemo! Guess me and chemicals do get along well!!!
So what really is this blog musing about lol... reflecting on some pretty funny conversations the other day with my hilarious, rebellious colleagues. These blunt, boisterous conversations (so raw and authentic) are so amusing and thought-provoking to me, causing me to reflect on my lifelong personality perspective of: “Of course I will be SomeOne”! I’ve always been goal oriented, studious, career focused, super family devoted, and always wanting a “drama-free” zone around me! (Although there many that would take exception to this, as I am not one to keep my opinions to my self!)
I laugh at and with my colleagues (and you know who you are!), who so straight out, unabashedly share how you previously and currently live your life, so much more on the wild side then me! I reflect on my relentless quest for perfection, albeit, imperfect as perfection is. I contemplate my life’s journey of personal achievement, to career success- which thank you very much Myeloma- for promptly reducing me to minimalist functionality, where I’m now just a mere fraction of a fraction, of my former self! F you Myeloma!
I laugh with them, at their spontaneous “WTF” life’s philosophy, emphasizing and sprinkling their points with expletives! I’m humored at their wild and raucous experiences that I never had… I was always so dang cautious, conscientious, and consequence oriented. No booze, No drugs, No smoking, No wild partying, etc. Responsibility my middle name ! “What the F Jules!”, she said. So I tossed caution aside (whoo-hoo!) and had a bag of potato chips and chocolate with them, and suffered later lol.
Make no mistake Myeloma, I’ve had a wonderful life, full of joy, laughs, success and irreplaceable events and memories! Thanks to my caring parents, amazing husband, fantastic kids, extended family and great friends and colleagues, there is not too much I would change… No I’m not without flaws, and yes I’ve done some dumb things, but tame and sane overall. But what if I had lived a bit more recklessly??? Would that have changed my “predisposition” to Myeloma? What’s up with all the drunks, druggies, chain smokers, fast food junkies that live long lives, behaving badly? F u Myeloma… where’d my clean living get me? (ok, I have outlived my “high risk” stats, due in part to what little “good health” I had at diagnosis)
As our kids were growing up- Respect, Rules, Boundaries, being Mentally and Physically smart and making the “right” choice, was the core and foundation of our lives. As they moved into adulthood, college years, early 20’s and beyond, our daily mantra was “Action… and Consequences”, “look deeply before you leap”, “never forget the potential outcome of your choices”!!! Well they’re amazing adults now, and we have few regrets about our parenting (except we were too good, too nice lol). As they got older, we relaxed a bit, and laughed: “if you wind up in jail… make us your first phone call, but don’t count on us to bail your A$$ out!” Harsh words we never had to test out!! We all ponder now what, if anything, they would do differently, and they too, think about being just a bit more “badly behaved” (especially Scott the cancer survivor). Alissa hasn’t stopped playing yet! I was always so entertained when their friends would share their wild experiences with me: me thinking, wow, how stupid of you… but oh so fun your adventures are!!! Think Havasu… and you know the stories!
So this brings me to being a tad pissed off for most always doing the right thing and still being diagnosed with deadly incurable Myeloma !
I basically lived and ate really healthy
Tried to get a section of the entire food pyramid in, almost every other day
Always trying to be a “healthy anorexic” (eating well and watching my weight)
I didn’t drink alcohol, ever do drugs, or smoke
I drank herb tea, half-caff coffee, watered down juices, and never soda
Few fatty foods and of course, no fast food/junk food, very little animal products
Earlier on I didn’t drink a ton of water though… maybe that’s it!!!
Perhaps it was my busy, busy, busy life with never enough sleep, committing to too much, being the ever present, “mom-counselor” to all…
Perhaps my “mid-life” braces, all those dental xrays, and not really eating right for those years, contributed to hosting myeloma?… as I found it challenging to eat with a mouthfull of irregular, sharp metal clanking together. To be honest, looking back at the years preceding my diagnosis, I really didn’t eat as well as I imagined I did… dumb me! – why didn’t I know of Ensure and nutritional drinks then!!!
Perhaps it was also the years of stress (good stress, bad stress, all kinds of keep it together stress), but lots of stress none the less, that eventually flicked the cancer switch?
Who the heck knows! … I’ll never know why Myeloma chose me, or why I created a body chemistry that invited Myeloma in, and gave Myeloma the welcome mat into my life
Perhaps I should have indulged more, not tried to be “so good” all the time
Perhaps I should have cared less about all the things I cared so much about
Perhaps my quest for the best, should have been more of the “less is more” philosophy I so often espoused
Cheers to a banana, cream of broccoli soup, sauteed fresh spinach for lunch today… and like a good girl, I took my morning and evening meds with a “delicious” vanilla Ensure.
I made us Breakfast for Dinner tonight, after I did 6500+ steps (thank you FitBit) around the barn to burn off some Roid Rage Energy. I made Jim a Hawaiian special: Spam and scrambled eggs, sauteed with spinach and hot sauce. Me, a tamer version minus the Spam, but with added spinach, avocado, and yes… hot sauce! Dex steroids make me (temporarily) “crave” spicy!
I splurged on dark chocolate today, petted my horses and scooped some poop. I breathed in deeply, including dusty manure residue, and inhaled sweet horse breath kisses. Take that stupid Myeloma!
So what’s my point…
I think I’ll take a few “wild detours” on my “next journey”, and cuss a bit more too! And wear cowgirl boots more often! And take more rides on the “no stress express”!
PS- Revlimid 10mg is going well. No allergic reax so far. Tired, achy, etc, but okie dokie… blood tests and monthly oncology appointment next week. Not sure what I was worried about lol! Bring on the 15mg if necessary.
See you in May my loyal listeners, lurkers, and followers :)
Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, with someone or something as often as you can!