Yesterday following another tearful conversation, I thought I recognised the signs of depression creeping in. OK it is quite reasonable for me to be unhappy about the situation I am in. Only six months ago I had a job that I loved and that provided me with an identity, status and security. I am now not the Clinical Lead and Service Manager of Step 2, a service I designed and developed from scratch. So who am I and what am I to become? All of this is enough to make any one feel low in mood. But yesterday I thought enough is enough. Where was my usual Pollyannerish attitude to life? This was what really defined me. That creatively I could work with others and explore opportunities at the bleakest of times. Acknowledging the pain and grief but finding the light and something that together we could work on. Reframing the grey into a paler shade of white and the darkness into a moment in time, before the light was switched back on.
So I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and the fact that I had the time to lie on my sun lounger looking out onto the most magnificent of views. I started to develop another chapter of my book and visualise the money it was going to make and the fact that by writing this and delivering a few press conferences, provided us with the income we needed. Enough to spend the winter somewhere warm as we set off on our travels in the motorhome with no restrictions on when to come home. I thought about the annual leave that in the past I so carefully preserved, and then didn’t end up using as the end of the year was always too busy a time to take it. I decided I would exercise, just a little to start with every day.
So yesterday morning started pretty well once the tearful telephone conversation was over. Mum kindly bought me a lovely loose outfit to wear in the hot weather and we sat enjoying a leisurely lunch together. I then squirrelled myself away again in the motorhome for my ritual siesta. As the evening approached I enjoyed hearing about Sue and Angela’s adventures in France before meeting up with the party committee at Kate’s.
All seems to be going well with the party arrangements and much of the discussion albeit after a few glasses of wine (not drunk by me sadly:( ) was about how many flushes the porta loos would allow, and whether it was appropriate or NOT, to set up a mens urinal facility behind some sort of windbreak! More seriously, everyone is working so hard to make this a fantastic evening and I am sure it will be. We just need the weather to be on our side.
Unfortunately, hence the title pleasure versus pain I was in agony by the time I got into bed with the pains in my legs as bad as they had ever been. Honestly, I wish someone would tell me how long this peak was going to last as every time I think I have turned a corner it comes back to bite me.
Today is going to be a good day as will the whole weekend so please do enjoy yours.
Ps I would like to give special thanks to Heather who is always so supportive and there no matter what and to Sharon who provided the new marvelous chocolate bar that was enjoyed by us all. And to Sue and Angela who have so kindly bought us over 30 bottles of wine for the party it is so much appreciated. When you think about all this what the hell have I really got to be depressed about!