*My 3 day roadtrip to Mississippi was an emotional energy rollercoaster that stayed inside my body 3 days prior, until maybe 3 days after.  *now compute that.   – My best friend rode along to make sure I did not snooze at the wheel, and… did not over-react like a crazy mom (externally). I neglected to factor ‘sleep’ into the trip equation, so I was unable to make all the visits I hoped for.  I attempted ‘restful sleep’ most of the week, in between appointments, without success.

My temporary insomnia meant, I finished “Big Little Lies” on HBO – and the series wrecked me a little. I would have avoided it a decade ago, because I would have been unable to see past the heavy subject matter to enjoy the acting, filmography, pacing… blah blah blah.

None of us really see things as they are; we see them as We Are. —  Big Little Lies.  This is true… I mean, this is the core of human happiness or suffering (at least mine).  How do we see ourselves? Good or bad? Can we think of positive outcomes to our situation?  Do we believe we have intrinsic value and purpose when we suffer for a belief?

For the past year, I have been kind of isolated socially, attempting to figure things out I guess…   Lack of sleep + stress + mini panic attacks = exhaustion… Or (fretting? Mood swings?).  I get intrusive ‘thought trains’ running through my head: my mortality (see oncologist for bone marrow biopsy on July 2), the daughters health & future, a touch of temporary loneliness, anxiety rehashing family conversations in my head to fill silences… questioning why my universe is upside down, if others is right-side up?  Or my shame over time, money and effort spent pursuing lofty goals… How was I able to lie to myself for so long?  What if This, or What If, That… Classy AF Brigitte Jones-Diary scene with tears, singing and bad driving – American-style… Surely, awkwardly painful epiphanies would irritate most people, but my bestie never gets mad or impatient.  (I get in patient with myself).  She reminds me of a hiker in the woods that instinctively knows to be very quiet (to avoid bear attacks) in those moments.

I come from a family tree where most of the branches have cut themselves off and re-planted themselves in better soil in order to thrive.  In the past especially, my lack of ‘helpful’ communication skills or how to navigate conflict did not help me reconnect.  (However, I get all the feels and the words inside my head, regardless).

My irrational words poured out, but she only had to say a few words to bring me back.  I think she deserves a medal for her patience when I am losing my @#$%…   sometimes, life gets heavy when your teenagers outnumber you.  To have this diagnosis of cancer hanging over my head, but being in remission feels like I am in a boat in the middle of an ocean, nobody is sinking at the moment, but I am still waiting for the next storm, unable to rest.

Motherhood IS hard from my perspective… ‘feels’ – body and soul intertwined with 3 others. I wonder if the mom position is appreciated enough, beyond the holiday shout-outs, memes, or media mom characters.  I can attest to the fact that this mother-psyche-emoting-condition is partly conscious and unconscious… A mom can choose to numb the connections, but they never go away, and they always catch up to you.  Imagine, feeling something, or deciding a ‘thing’ is something you would ‘rather would’ choose to feel again… A mother will most likely get to ‘re-visit’ whatever positive or negative emotion from her past, with an opportunity to change, accept, hurt, or wrestle with a feeling/memory until she truly understands a lesson of some kind, no matter how benign.

I find simple life experiences intensely painful.  Without going through the tough experiences, I would not learn new ways to be better. This helps in living in the ‘now’, not could have, or should have been.  My internal struggle relates to the fact that I had little maturity or self-awareness before I had children, leaving me in a position where kids outgrew my level of experience.  (yes, I realize I am not unique, but I felt I was in this instance).   As a mom, I made assumptions, that my children deserved any-one-other than me.  I reinforced a learned belief when I walked in and became mentally/physically trapped in situations that only reinforced what I already believed for too long.  I lied to myself to survive and  became unrecognizable to the people that I thought would never forget.  Now I can see life as it is, not what I – hoped it could have been – in the grand scheme of things, things are pretty good.