Life Goes On

Today as I was with Mr. B at the hospital, I looked out side and saw the many people that were hurrying down the street. People with purposes that took them to other places. People with every day things to do. I looked out and wanted to shout at them. “How can you go on as if nothing is happening? Can’t you see that I’m dying inside? Can’t you see that I’m hurting and in such emotional pain that I want to crawl into my bed and never get out?” But the sad truth is that their lives are going on. The world is going on while my world is falling apart. I try so hard to be strong each day while I am at the hospital. I need to do as much as I can to encourage him. Even if it’s just to help him to the bathroom or get him some ice water to drink. Today was a bad day for Mr. B. He was in more pain then the day before and wouldn’t ask for more pain killers even though I encouraged him to. It’s almost like he wants to suffer right now and it is tearing my heart out. He gets very emotional when I leave each night. I know that he’s scared and angry and depressed. I wish that I could take this cancer from him and give it to myself. It would be easier for me if I had it instead of seeing him suffer.
I’m not sure when he will be released from the hospital but it likely won’t be until we have a meeting with Homecare. I’ve asked them to provide a hospital bed and a wheelchair for Mr. B to make his life better when he comes home. His bones are becoming very fragile and brittle. Part of his pain right now is because two of his ribs were fractured when the paramedics moved him from our couch to the stretcher. Plus his back pain is getting worse too. I worry that I won’t be able to control his pain at home. I worry that one of his bones will fracture just by walking. I worry that I will loose him far quicker than I ever imagined I would loose him. The worrying just never seems to end.
I am so angry at this cancer. Why did Mr. B have to get such an aggressive form of MM? There are so many other patients that have lived years and years with this cancer. I’m finding it hard to go to some of my favorite support websites. I see people who are doing so well with this cancer and it’s hard not to be resentful. I should be happy for them but right now I can’t share in their joy.