Just Waiting.

Been quiet because there hasn’t been much change recently.  I hang here at the villa all day, every day, although it’s not too bad.  Quiet, peaceful, and my family is here, so I don’t really want for anything.

Had the first really “bad” night last night, which is a shame because Saturday I was doing well.  Couldn’t sleep last night and started feeling nauseous around 4 am, and then the dark thoughts just crept in and finished the job.  I guess I’ve been in recovery mode so hard it didn’t occur to me until the dark hours last night that I most likely still have cancer and for all I know the transplant did nothing.  I know that’s defeatist thinking, just came out of nowhere.  I’ve had a pretty good attitude, surprisingly, leading up to this morning so it caught me unawares.

Ah well.  I was expecting ups and downs, so I shouldn’t be surprised when they happen.  I have 4 appointments left and then hopefully we’ll be heading home in a week.  The thought seems strange, somehow.  I crave nothing more than the normalcy of my old life but I just don’t think it exists anymore.