It would never be enough

Yesterday, as I thought about how many widows and widowers I know, I wondered to myself what I should be doing differently, NOW. I am a very affectionate person. I am always telling Tim how much I love him. He fell asleep on the recliner last night and I just watched him sleep, looking at his handsome face. I wondered if I should never be on the internet or doing something that doesn’t involve him while he is home. Surely there is plenty of time for all that while he is working. But, then I realized that I could spend every single moment of the day with him, and it would never be enough. If I lost him, I would still ache down to my very core for one more day, one more hug, kiss, the sound of his voice. There is just no getting around that missing someone so badly that it hurts physically. I am amazed sometimes at how much we still like being around each other after 30 years together. I think it’s somewhat rare. Not unheard of, but, probably not how the majority of marriages go. We got really lucky there. I know so many bad marriages. But, I also feel like we have SO much more to lose. This kind of love and compatibility really doesn’t happen often. I used to think that I could never be alone. I am a people person and, even though everyone likes their alone time, I am not someone who likes too much of it. It depresses me. We even spoke about it, way back when, when we thought Tim did not have a lot of time left. He told me he doesn’t want me spending the rest of my life alone. Now I think that I may very well be alone for a LONG time, if not ever, if something happens to Tim. I just don’t ever see myself getting over it. I really don’t. Nor do I see myself meeting someone that I would want to be this close to. Today, a woman I know via the internet, who lost her husband 6 months ago, wrote a poem about spending Christmas without him. I could tell by what she wrote that no matter what I did now, it won’t spare me anything later, or not much anyway. I realize that so much of worry and anxiety in life is this feeling of trying to “prepare” for the “what ifs” in life. They say that people who worry a lot, think they will either avoid the event actually happening or be more prepared for something if it does. It’s an illusion. The truth is, there is no preparing for losing someone. But, I suppose what sparked these thoughts is this one awful word……regret. Regrets can really eat away at you. We all have them. I am 50 years old and you don’t live this long without having some doozies. I suppose that’s what I am thinking I should be working on now. Living my life in such a way that I don’t commit myself to a future overflowing with regrets. Life is changing so quickly right now, and, as I often write about when another year comes to a close, we are not living the life I wish we were. Not checking things off that bucket list fast enough. We have to make a living and pay the bills. It takes up most of our time. A week ago, our daughter applied to 8 colleges. This is SO surreal to us. It feels like she was in elementary school just a few years ago. I just don’t feel like we’ve done enough together. But, I guess no matter how much we have done, it would never be enough.