Intellectual concert review

As long as we are talking about the New Kids on the Block, I should tell you about the concert I went to last month, or as I like to think of it, “An Evening With Donnie Wahlberg’s Abs”.

Bow chicka wow wow.

The first opening act was Boyz II Men. Who doesn’t love Boyz II Men? People with cold, dark hearts, that’s who. Boyz II Men are down to just three boyz these days, but they are still delightful. They made it rain rose petals during “I’ll Make Love to You.” And now that song is in your head. You’re welcome.

The second opening act was 98 Degrees. I know next to nothing about 98 Degrees. I do know who Nick Lachey is, sort of, and some of their songs sounded vaguely familiar, but my friend Abigail and I used the 98 Degrees time to take a bathroom break, get a drink, and rest up for the two hours of screaming to come.

I’d thought about learning some 98 Degrees songs before the concert, but I wisely decided that I shouldn’t get emotionally involved with yet another boy band, for the sake of my mental health. With the emotional upheaval caused by Kevin returning to the Backstreet Boys, I just can’t take the stress.

Here’s what I noticed about 98 Degrees: Three of the guys were ruggedly handsome, boy-band-looking guys. Then there was this guy. Who is this guy? He doesn’t look boy-bandish at all. He looks like Nick Lachey’s accountant:

Here are those numbers you wanted, Mr. Lachey.

And I know I shouldn’t mock, because I know how boy-band fans work. Every member of a boy band appeals to somebody, and I’m going to get angry comments: “Jimmy Jo Jo* is my favorite member of 98 Degrees …. blah blah blah … I built a shrine to Jimmy Jo Jo in my closet …. blah blah blah …. after praying to the shrine, the pus-filled boils reduced by 25 percent and the doctor has never seen anything like it in all of his days … blah blah blah …. Love, the future Mrs. Jimmy Jo Jo.”

I’m sorry, Mrs. Jimmy Jo Jo. And I’m sorry, Nick Lachey’s real accountant. I’m sure you’re attractive.

After Nick Lachey and two other handsome guys and the accountant left the stage, it was time for NKOTB. They had everything. Lasers and smoke and flames and giant balloons falling from the sky and pieces of the stage that lifted up during “Hangin’ Tough.” And, of course, abs.

Oh, no! Donnie accidentally ripped his shirt! Again!

But the most amazing part of the concert was this:

Jon sang by himself. Twice.
If you’re not a New Kids fan, you don’t care. If you are a New Kids fan, you’re not even reading this anymore because you’re lying on the floor hyperventilating because you know this is the biggest event to ever happen in our lifetime. And your pus-filled boils have all healed.
OH!! MY!!! GOD!!!!!

*I’m sure that’s not his real name. But it could be.