The title of this post is dedicated to Derek Jarman. I am re-reading the final volume of his published diaries, Smiling in Slow Motion, written towards the end of his life. If ever a man knew how to “seize the day” it was him. One minute he is in hospital with a fever of 102, and the next he is at a film premiere in Russia / Paris / Leeds, or prowling Hampstead Heath in the dead of night (possibly not to be recommended) or broadcasting wildflower seeds at Dungeness in his now-famous Garden. I had forgotten how much I enjoy his writing style. And it is only now I realise the rollercoaster life he was leading at that time. But with oh so much spontaneity and life!
I am in a funny place right now. This whole “watch and wait” thing is not my style. I want a plan, a map, a timeline, a timetable, a schedule, a list… anything that tells me where we are headed, what to look for along the way, and how long the journey is going to take. Myeloma was tricky enough, and I admit I got complacent after all those years of regular appointments, daily drug regimes and a set of textbook symptoms. But this? This is a mess.
FL is in a lot of pain, mostly in his feet and his back. On Saturday night (around 2am) I dug out the “Best Before August 2007” super-drugs I had set aside just in case we ever needed them again. Those got him through to Tuesday when he was able to see a doctor. He now has some medium-strength painkillers (in between paracetamol and the super-woofers.) He tried them for a couple of days and nights but they are doing no good.
Everything hurts. He often feels sick and isn’t eating properly. He is exhausted. Walking is avoided as much as possible. But maybe this is “normal”…? We just don’t know.
Yesterday, he developed an alarmingly bloodshot eye (more blood than eye) so today’s planned pottering-around day off together has turned into a trip to Haematology, just to be on the safe side.
In these circumstances, my sewing has ground to a halt.
While I take great comfort from the rhythm of my knitting and watching the fabric grow, I have pretty much lost interest in clothes / fashion / style. It just doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
I still prowl the blogs and admire what the cool kids are making, but I am faintly repulsed by the really productive people, who are churning out a garment a day (or so it seems from my jaundiced perspective). Am I jealous? No, I don’t think that’s it. I just don’t see the point.
I have fabric and pattern for the Charley Tux Pants, but I can’t be bothered putting scissors to cloth.
What about knitting? Completely different. If I could give up the day job and just knit, I would.
So I am channelling all my excess energies into fiddling with yarn.
If I am not on Ravelry or watching a knitting podcast I am busy planning my next project, or actually, you know, knitting!
I have decided to smash the stash.
I cancelled my two yarn club subscriptions. It’s time I just got on and knitted up the yarn I already have, enjoy it, revel in it, possibly even roll in it… if I ever get that blanket finished! ;)
The three sets of yarn above are all from Skein Queen. The top picture is Voluptuous for a Lush cardigan – my own (club) green, plus a fellow-Raveller’s leftovers of Plumberry. I have a plan!
The other two skeins are recent club shipments. Absolutely beautiful. And I am clear that it is definitely time to stop buying even more and make the most of what I already have… before I explode from a fit of over-consumption.
At the very top of this post you can see my latest on-a-whim project. These are the Hermione’s Time-Turner Mitts from Unofficial HP Knits… again! I am using Yarn Yard Small Skein Society wool in the colour Blood Orange. I would never have picked this wool for myself, but it is perfect for this project. And this project is perfect for Waiting Rooms. Excellent.