Hit by an express train.

When Mike was diagnosed all the way back in 2010 I coped ninety percent of the time. When he was on dex I mostly coped, except when I got shouted at for being nice. When Mike was having his SCT and I had no bathroom and I was travelling for two hours to see him I coped. When we were told in January that Mike needed dialysis I thought I was coping. 

How wrong can you be. Yesterday afternoon I was hit by an express train of grief for the life we are never to have. The years we have already been robbed of and the future we won’t get. Mike doesn’t know how to cope with me, he tries to fix it by saying he’ll refuse dialysis, as if that would make it any better. There is no fixing my grief, it doesn’t work like that. “I’ll have my line taken out!” The line doesn’t bother me, it’s chunkier than the last one, think drainpipe instead of waterpipe, but so what! 

Mike is currently at the hospital having another three hours of blood cleansing. I’m trying to stay calm and not cry. Heck I cried so long and hard yesterday I think I’m so dehydrated nothing would come out any way!