Here is what I wrote when I found out my remission was ending. This explains what I am saying in this post that "I do not want chemo again."
.. those two drugs banged me down until there wasn't much left of me. There was also Dexamethasone too. I had become quite familiar with that rocket fuel several times already. Somewhere there are probably addicts who use that stuff as their drug of choice. I would rather avoid the maniac house of mirrors that stuff takes me through.
Not The Same Old Me
I was busted down, sick and weak, grumpy and pretty darn unpleasant besides sleeping just about 22 hours of the day.. Yuck. so darn horrible. And I never really got well again. Oh people would see me and say, "You look so much better. Yeah! You look really good now." But I never really was. I could do things for a few hours at a time, but I don't have any real follow-through anymore.
Nothing I put my hand to gets very far. I used to be able to take on things and make things happen and not just talk a good talk; not too much anymore. On the outside I do look all put together; on most days, I think. But inside I am just passing time waiting for … I don't' know what. But it sure isn't another round of chemo – radiation – therapy – beat-down-the-disease-so-you-can-get-back-to-doing-what-you-do-when-you're-not-fighting-cancer life.
There has to be something more, but I don't know what it is supposed to be and even though I could likely tell a good story about a couple dozen things that would be quite reasonable-sounding. I really do not believe I have what it takes to make stuff click anymore.
The Weather Was Just Starting to Warm Up
So I really do not see why it is a good idea to go into a fight just because I can. There ought to be a reason to do it and something worth the cost and the suffering has to come from it. And I don't really see why I have to do this just because it's what people do: Fight for your life until it's dragged out of your hands because you really have tried with every last bit of your strength to hold on. Why? Don't you know that the poison and the treatments kill too. They take life away that I can live until I no longer live. Why take a course of ruinous misery if that road doesn't lead to a destination I want to reach?
So I am in a quandry. It's no fun and the weatherman says it's going to snow again tonight. [it did not actually snow that night, if I remember right.. at least not in our neighborhood ..]