Following the visit to see the consultant yesterday, it was made clear that he wants to get this harvesting done ASAP. The reason being is that he knows I am currently in remission and whilst I have no cancerous cells in my body he wants to harvest them and put them on ice ready for such a time for me to require a transplant. He did however hear and see for himself the dreadful pain I am experiencing as a result from the Velcade. He would rather not however, make the pain worse by giving me the strong chemo and stem cell producing drugs immediately if the Hospice are willing to try something new to reduce the pain ie Ketamine. So the plan is to ask the Hospice today if there is any chance of me coming into the hospice next week for them to have a go with the Ketamine if not, I will start the harvesting process tomorrow with the high dose of Chemo and then the eight days worth of injections to bring home.
Joy oh joy! I was hoping not to have the harvesting done until after the party but I can see the sence in not waiting too long. Myeloma really is a very individual cancer and no one knows when the cancer cells,which are still dormant in my bone marrow, will become active again. It is because of this the doctors are unwilling to give out a life expectancy. It could be tomorrow or in my case in 10 years time (some good visualising going on here), before the buggers wake up again.

At least today I will be seeing my psychologist. I feel immensely proud of myself for recognising the need to see her and accepting the help she has offered. I may have had years of experience in the field of mental health but it is clearly not possible for me to manage this on my own. It is not only the nature of the difficulty of this particular cancer that I have to deal with but also my loss of identity and the considerable change in finances that I have to come to terms with. As you all probably know by now, I loved my job and was passionate about making a difference whilst working for the NHS, I was also proud to be the bread winner and the heights I had managed to meet within the NHS, with Colin’s help and support. Now I will need to look out for new challenges, that is hoping that I can get on top of this pain. I will reframe this from being a time of sadness to a time of great opportunity I just need a little help to do this as everything appears so overwhelming at the moment, and being depressed I am tending to catastrophise things.

The sun is shining and I must now pop in the bath before my order of fresh croissants arrives.

Have a good day, I do believe its Friday but I couldn’t be sure.

Deborah x