I have four weeks of freedom before I go into UCLH for my stem cell transplant. The provisional date is 27 March. I finally have a date. One day I may have a date with a man too. We can hold hands and ‘stuff’, but for now, the 27 March 2013 is the only date I am worried about.
I will make myself enjoy the next 23 days, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to wait.
Way back in December, I was told that this current waiting period between the harvest and transplant was 1-2 weeks, then, I was told it was going to be 2-3 weeks and now it is four. Well, 27 days from my harvest. I know that in the grand scheme of things, an extra week is not a long time, but it is a long time to me. Getting to this point has been one hard slog full of set backs. I want it to move forward faster than the timetable is allowing it to.
There was a point when I looked forward to some time off treatment, but not anymore. I have already had six weeks off. Six whole weeks of waiting for something to happen and I do not want another four. I do not see this time as a time for me to enjoy being ‘normal’. All the time off gives me is extra anticipation and longing for the time when I get a period of recovery, when nobody knows when My Myeloma is going to come back (the stats say two years tops). Not a four week break that I know is only four weeks. Four weeks of waiting is not freedom. It is not living. After the transplant, I can, or at least I hope to, live for the moment. I am not living for the moment now, I am waiting for a course of treatment that I am assured, is far from pleasant and that is always in the back of my mind. Every added week to this process, that goes against my initial expectations, are days added to my sentence and I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.
Four weeks. I am not entirely sure what can happen in four weeks. I’ll give it a whirl mind.
EJB x
