Falling flat

I don’t know quite how to explain how I’m feeling at the moment. Maybe it’s all becoming a real anticlimax and that’s the issue. I just seem to be getting cross and frustrated so easily at the moment and I don’t know why. And worst still, I’m taking it out on the people I love the most….Nick and the kids. After all they put up with over the summer, none of them deserve this.

I am just so tired at the moment. My fault though. I totally overdid it with the tabletop sale and I haven’t properly stopped since. With that and only just having got over a cold, I’m pretty exhausted.

As I’m writing I’m thinking though. I have my first post-revlimid appointment tomorrow. I didn’t think I was worried about it; I’m not! But now I wonder if sub-consciously I am because this is how I used to be after I was diagnosed but before I started treatment – tetchy a few days before each appointment. Also, a couple of nights ago I dreamt that I was told I had relapsed! Now I know it was only a dream but I woke up pretty upset by it – one of those dreams where it takes a while to realise it wasn’t true. I’m not sure I can deal with this again every month. It is so horrid to feel out of control of my emotions. I’ll have to decide whether it’s bad enough to pull out if the trial and come off the maintenance therapy. I hope not. If I did and then I relapsed I’m not sure I could forgive myself for what I would have caused. I think I need to give it a few months anyway….and speak to them about whether revlimid can turn you into a stroppy cow (what a great excuse for everything if so!!!!)

On a happier note our neighbour had a gorgeous little boy yesterday. I got to have a cuddle with him today which was just lovely. Even sam seemed quite loved up with him at times. It is so good to have positive things to think about. We had my sister’s 50th at the weekend too which was just great. It was my second oldest sister who had come over from Beijing to look after the kids while I’d been in hospital. Luckily for us she and her husband had decided to come back again to celebrate it!! I’d gone shopping in Bicester with my 4 sisters on the Wednesday and then on the Friday we all went to Sutton where she was staying for champagne and a great Thai meal out. My brother joined us as did all the partners and I can’t remember as good a night for a long long time :-)

The other piece of great news since I last wrote is that another of my sisters is a match for me!! I have a choice!! Well the hospital do anyway!! I keep joking that they’ll be fighting over me now….lol!! It is great news as it takes the pressure off the others in the family who would have been tested but who have really good reasons for holding back. So we’re all really pleased with how it all is. Hopefully I won’t need them for a long time yet!!