Everything will work out……..will it?

So, I am still counting down. Counting down the days of the last summer of my kid’s childhood. Liv is having a blast. She and her friends are still hanging out with the boys they went to prom with and hung out with for 3 days in Seaside Heights after prom. I can report one hickey, though it was not on my daughter’s neck, but her friend’s. I thought those things were old school, but apparently they never go out of style. This Friday and Sunday, the first 2 of the group leave for school and then they continue to drop like flies after that, with Liv and one other boy being the final hold-outs that don’t report for duty until Labor Day weekend. They are all dreading the goodbyes. Even the boys are a bit bummed out over it. They are having a great summer together. They are all athletes, the whole group, and tonight they are getting together to watch the Olympics, dressed up as competitors from different countries. Liv is going as a Jamaican runner. I am so happy for my kid. It’s wonderful to see her so happy and having such awesome friends. As a parent, there’s nothing better than a happy kid. They go running, hiking, swimming, to the movies and out to eat, and out to eat, and out to eat. Ahh, that teenage metabolism. Enjoy it now, kids. It doesn’t last forever.

I had a dream this morning that we were dropping Liv off for college and I couldn’t stop crying. I sure hope that’s not the case. About a week ago, I told Tim that I thought he and I should be really strong and not cry in front of her that day so that we don’t get her more upset and scared. He told me that whatever happens, happens. He can’t promise he can pull that off and I suppose I can’t promise that either. In one way, I have been very open with Liv about how much we are going to miss her. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to let your kid know how much they are loved and that you like their company. I know parents who can’t wait until drop-off day. But, I also tell her how excited we are for her and what a great choice she made with Monmouth and that I know these are going to be some of the best years of her life. And………I certainly want that to be true.

But, as always, there is the cloud overhead. At Tim’s last appointment, his numbers hardly moved from the last time. His follow-up time was shortened from 3 months to 2, and that was probably part of it. So, we were given another 2 month reprieve. At the end of Sept, he goes for another check and we see where we’re at. On top of that, our new employee, who is working out better than we could have hoped, has decided to change schools and now will not be able to work full time. We need full time. Back to the drawing board. And, there is also the fact that Tim may have a hard time working while dealing with chemo side effects. So, add those worries to the 30 grand this year, more when the price rises every year, that this college costs us, AFTER scholarship monies, and, well, people always say that everything will work out, but, I know from experience that it doesn’t always. You have to make it work out. And even then it doesn’t always happen. People do lose their houses. People do have to pull their kids out of college for financial reasons, send them to a different one, etc. People do get too sick to work anymore. None of that sounds like “working out” to me. I went out to walk my dog today at a park, and again thought about how much time I have spent trying to prepare for things when I don’t know when or exactly how they are going to happen. It’s a really hard place to live; this place where you feel like all hell is going to break loose and there is just nothing you can do to stop it. You wrack your brain over ways that you could at least soften the blow, make sure it doesn’t wipe you all out completely, and you’re not even sure you can do that. You’re not even sure what steps you should take to achieve that, even if it were achievable. I have to take it day by day, hope that things don’t get too terrible before we get her through college, and accept that there really is no such thing as being prepared for the worst. It’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kinda thing. Or as my sister always says, “jump off that bridge when you get to it.”

Anyhoo, I got a recommendation from my doctor and made an appointment with a therapist for next week. We’ll see if she has any ideas on how the hell you cope with all this. ‘Cause frankly, I got nuttin’.