Dropping shoes and all that

On Friday, we had Tim’s 3 month check-up. I was nervous about this one, I think a bit more than others. For one thing, our daughter just committed to college and we signed on for a big number to pay for that. It’s amazing what college costs these days. And, I knew his markers were creeping towards a point where chemo would be recommended. After seeing his labs, I was relieved. They had still only increased ever so slightly in 3 months. And, I thought we’d get another 3 month reprieve. But, his doc told him that, although there is no hard and fast rule as to when to start treatment, she does not like to let the Kappa number go over 100 and Tim is at 86.5. We were bummed. We still thought he’d go another 3 months between appointments and then we found out she only wanted to go a month. Sobering for us, to say the least. We pushed it a bit longer, because our kid graduates high school in a month and the following week we are going on our yearly trip to the Jersey shore. So, it will actually be almost 2 months, but, there is that feeling in the pit of our stomachs that the other shoe finally dropped. I am torn between feeling so grateful for an 8 year chemo vacation and the fact that Tim is still here and our daughter went from 8 to 18 and is now graduating high school, and the fact that I am so bummed that we have to go back to that chemo and constant testing nightmare. I worry about him being able to keep working while dealing with treatment. I worry about our finances. I worry about our kid and how she will handle finding out. I just worry. No matter how much you try to live in the moment, there are so many things affected by this MM business and the future is scary. It drives you crazy when you feel like you need to be preparing for something and you don’t know what or when it is. Tim wants Liv to go to the school she wanted to go to. I wonder if we should be sending her to community college for 2 years and then let her finish up at one of the universities she can commute to, to save tens of thousands of dollars. Was this the right thing to do, or a big mistake. Who knows? But, I will try to keep my chin up for their sake and take it a day at a time. But, it sucks. I’ve dreaded this for so long and it’s here. I’m always saying and thinking….”moving on.” Problem is, going forward is where all the sucky stuff is.

Off to church, to try to find some peace.