Crappity crap crap!

Well that’s probably enough to put most people off reading any further but I’m really struggling today and have been for a couple of days. I can’t really say why but the last 36 hours has seen me move from a place where I seemed to be happy and fairly good, to a place where I am just so sad, so angry and so upset with life.

I can’t really say why it’s happened or what has happened, but after a fab night away camping with some of the school mums, where I got the best nights sleep in weeks, and surprisingly didn’t mind not drinking, I got home the following day, on Sam’s birthday and life seemed to start going to pot. By the evening, I was struggling to take anything the right way, and just felt like life was totally rubbish.

Today, I was out for a girlie day with my lovely 14 year old. Well that was the plan. But it started with me waking up still in a mood that I couldn’t explain. Sad, frustrated and ready to be cross with anyone. Then the water seemed to turn off upstairs. For no reason. Just as we were due to leave.

We managed to have a reasonable day, and thank god we’d invited my MIL. She helped me to manage my frustrations, and somehow was very lovely about the fact that I was so moody and grumpy.

But we got home, and it all went wrong again. And that totally tipped me over the edge. As friends will know, we started doing our bedroom in July before my treatment started and the idea was that it would be finished within a week of treatment, i.e by the middle of August at the very latest. It was always a risk but we felt we could handle it. Things didn’t go quite according to plan and finally this week, I felt like we were nearly there. If only the builder felt the same way! I’m so cross with myself as I allowed him, on the basis that I thought he was looking out for my best interests (fool that I am!) to talk me into paying him before the job was complete. Now, things aren’t quite right, and he seems to be talking to me like I’m asking him to do unfair things…..even though it is just him finishing the job. Never again will I trust anyone.

But it was the last thing I needed tonight when he talked to me on text like I was the unreasonable one. I’ve spent the whole night sobbing on Nick. I’m so upset as I thought they were our friends but things have been left unfinished and whilst they’re coming back next week, they’re talking like they’re still doing us a favour. But it was all quoted for as part of the job. I’d never normally have paid in advance, but he played the guilt card and I didn’t want them to think I didn’t trust them….that word was even thrown at me. And now I wish I hadn’t. We don’t have the money to spare to pay it again, or to be diddled. And I don’t have the energy to deal with it all to be honest. I’m just exhausted and feel totally let down.

So poor Nick has had to deal with me, not only in a chemo induced meltdown, but also feeling very let down and very guilty that I have put us financially in a position. We thought that we’d be back in our bedroom by Monday, but who knows now.

And not only has Nick had to deal with it all, but the kids are really sad and trying to look after me as I’m not sure they’ve ever seen me so sad and upset. I really value friendships and relationships with people so when that breaks down, I feel so sad. But it also makes me angry that someone can do that to me. That they can leave us in this position. I wanted to scream (in the middle of sobbing!). I wanted to tell everyone including the builder how cross I was.

Luckily, Nick, as usual has been my rock. I don’t know quite how he has pulled me through to where I am now, but he has and he has stopped me from saying things I’ll totally regret. He has also pulled the four of us together and helped the kids to understand where I am. They have helped to stop me crying, even if I can’t quite smile yet. We’ll just have to see where we go with the builder. There are a few directions I suppose. But the family has to be more important.

I just hate it all at the moment. I hate the drugs. I hate the moods. I hate the feeling of not knowing what I’ll feel or when I’ll feel it. I hate the fact it feels so much worse that 10 years ago. Luckily I love my family and my close friends who help me to know that life is bigger than bloody myeloma ….. and house renovations.