Balancing

As I continue with my quest to ‘have fun’ during this limbo, I continue to learn about what My Myeloma has done to me. In the last five days, I have learnt that I am no longer a fan of sitting. I like a chair as much of the next person, but my body is in such a state that for anything longer than two hours, I now need a chair that is accompanied by a footstool. Let’s face it, I really need my bed.

Since Saturday, I have walked further than I usually walk and I have sat in an elegant position for longer than I usually do elegance. It has been fun. I have been entertained, I have spent money, I have seen my friends and I have been distracted from My Myeloma. Unfortunately, while my mind is willing, my body would rather be in an inelegant position, extenuated if I am wearing a dress, on my bed. I’m talking knickers here, big black ones. Thongs would not be fair to Housemate.

Whilst I am enjoying the freedom from my treatment, I am trapped by my body. Everywhere I have been in the last five days, I have felt my neck, back, hips, ribs or butt. The pain is worse than it has been in a long time, and common sense would suggest that this is because I have been doing more with my body. Sometimes though, I do not listen to common sense, and every increase in pain is not a form of retribution, but is my bones worsening. At my most paranoid, every click of my neck is just one step closer to paralysis. I went to the cinema today, and while the film offered some snippets of escapism, my internal narrator spent much of the 127 minutes saying “neck, neck, neck, neck, neck, neck” and then He said it some more. Obviously, I will mention this to my doctors, but I know what they will say. Common sense will prevail. Oh yes it will.

It’s difficult. On the one hand, I love being a dirty stop out, because I have left the flat for more than eight hours in a day for something that is not based in the Macmillan Centre. On the other, I love the comfort my bed offers to my bottom and my back.

Life would be divine, if I did not have to make the choice. Lonely comfort or entertained pain.

I know there is a balance, I just do not know what it looks like yet.

It’ll come. It has to.

EJB x