You may have noticed a general tenor in my last post of ‘I feel rubbish’. I certainly noticed it. I felt rubbish.
The way these things do, this feeling of rubbisness built up and up until it just had to get out. Inevitably, it then splurted all over the first of my nearest and dearest who happened to cross my path, in this case my parents. Thank you Peter and Anne the Great for some expert mopping up. Thanks also to my good friend, let’s call her Clotilde the Fabulous (I’m thinking you all deserve suitable Viking aliases if I’m going to talk about you) who rang up at just the right time to realise what state I was in and suggest I take the rest of the week off work.
In a way, it’s not time out: it’s much-needed time focusing on my health (and sanity) instead of trying to juggle multiple balls. I’ve managed to set up two hospital appointments for tomorrow, one at the trial hospital and one at my usual hospital. I was due to wait another fortnight even to get the ball rolling but I realised I just couldn’t hack it. Physically, I can feel myself steadily deteriorating and mentally I’ve reached my limits of being able to hang out comfortably in limbo. Purgatorial as the next stage may well be, I just want to get through those starting gates. This will still take a week or two due to tests, paperwork, etc – but at least I now feel like things are moving rather than stuck. I’ve also usefully been in touch with some other myeloma patients in various ways, got some things moving on the fundraising front (more of that anon) and, well, stayed in bed a lot and watched some ridiculous TV. Marvellous.
Thanks also for the nice responses in various ways to my last blog. I don’t feel that comfortable writing things like that, but it seems to have been helpful, and I’ve reassured myself that it wasn’t quite into self-pity/ ‘ain’t it awful’ territory which I’m keen to avoid. (That’s not because I’m some sort of brave trooper, it’s mainly utilitarian self-interest as I that kind of mode makes me feel crap and also brings about a whole load of reactions which perpetuate the crapness). Getting nice messages about the blog always feels like having my own personal set of cheerleaders, and more importantly my first Ready, Steady Cook contestant is coming round this evening which is a massive help (three cheers for Clotilde the Fabulous!)
The next couple of days see four medical appointments as I also have two more minor ones on Friday, so frankly it’d have been hard to fit work in anyway. It’s all quite familiar by now but I do sometimes wish the NHS had some sort of Clubcard with reward points for frequent customers. I think I’d have earned a free sofa by now…
I called my post ‘Back in the game’ rather than ‘Time Out’ because – even though I’m still off work and ‘on the bench’ or something in that sense (sporting metaphors are never going to be my strong point) – ever since Monday evening I’ve been feeling emotionally like I’ve bounced back: I can hack it.
Right, now then, back to ‘Game of Thrones’…
Helga the Great x