My Work Here Is Finished.

There will be no more entries here, Hamada’s journey is now complete and so all further writing will be over at http://www.susiehemingway.com/ starting with “A Snow Covered Village In December” which tells about the weekend of ‘celebration of Hamada’s life’. Thank you dear ones who have followed faithfully here, for all your wonderful comments that spurred us on daily, for all your superb support that helped us keep up the fight against the most difficult disease of Multiple Myeloma. I send all my very best wishes, hope and love, to those who continue to fight the battle against Multiple Myeloma. I will continue with my support and my hope, that a cure will soon be found.

Let Me Not – by Susie Hemingway

Let me not falter dear Lord.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Guide me now to complete this task.
Let me not plaintively wail and scream as my heart doth now.

Allow me to show dignity that he always showed.
Let me not stand beneath the stars and scream his name aloud.
Let me remember this day, as we honour him.
Grant me the courage that he always showed.

Let me not go down on my bended knees and shout at the sky,
And implore you to return him to me.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Give me the strength Oh Lord not to fail,
with this final task…

Susie Hemingway December 2010
All Rights reserved.

“Poetry is the opening and closing of a door,
leaving those who look through to guess about
what is seen during a moment” Carl Sandburg.

” I pray that the poems written by me on this blog have done just that” Susie Hemingway.

Gone to Live with God.

My beloved Hamada quietly and peacefully and with great dignity left us today to go home to be with God.
Dear Universe a new angel has joined. He is handsome, caring, loving and a great symbol of courage and strength. His wings spread across the globe sincerely and lovingly touching the lives of many. His journey on earth has been an inspiration of courage to us all.

The Start Of A Final Journey.

Just a short update for those who are awaiting news of our dear Hamada, especially our family in Egypt. Hamada has started his final journey home to rest. Yesterday a wonderful nurse from the Macmillan support team came to visit at home and confirmed what I already knew. Hamada is slipping quietly to his resting place. He is no longer speaking or drinking he has a ‘rattle’ on his chest and his body is slowly shutting down. I have spent all of the night hours watching over him, catching small naps when I can.

The Doctor is to arrive shortly and will bring or prescribe all necessary drugs to administer by injections or patches for Hamada’s comfort now that he is not swallowing well.

For the nurses who I know read this web-blog: Hamada did not pass urine for 24 hours, but today some, which I believe shows his kidneys have not completely shut down yet. It is a much better way for him to ‘pass’ if they do.
As our Jo said, perhaps this is our last miracle for this journey to end peacefully this way and I pray with all my heart for this to be for my beloved Warrior. It is also possible that he will stay in this ‘dream like’ state for a few more days yet, although I do not believe so, he is extremely weak now.

My dear sister Jenny and brother-in-law Ian, lovingly came this morning to help me tenderly bathe him and to change linens and to make Hamada smell just like I know he loves, all friends will know how fussy Hamada is with his love of good cologne. He is peaceful and in no pain, dearly sweet and surrounded with much love.

Night Vigil

Hamada has spoken very little during the last two days. managing only to smile and greet the family who have all been here at “Hemingway” this weekend. I know by his smiles that he has enjoyed so much, seeing them all, during this bittersweet weekend.

Jo gave his father a wonderful shave something that I was not managing to do very well! It was a wonderful time of family closeness. I received some of the best much needed hugs, which have given me more courage to continue after this long worrying week.

After everyone had left I managed to get Hamada to his favourite chair in the sitting room during the early evening, thus giving me time to put fresh linens on his bed. He was not speaking at all during this time not eating anything, just dozing on and off. During the middle of the evening he became more agitated and seemed a little distressed so I helped him back to the safety of his bed.

As I settled him down for the night he spoke, his voice clear for the first time in two days. He was tearful and told me that he was very tired now but needed to say something, struggling to find the words he said that he did not think he could continue any further, almost as if he was asking for permission to go. I let him know gently that it was now time for him to rest and for him not to be concerned about anything but sleeping now. He spoke about his love for me and his worries of leaving me and I reassured him that I would be fine, his beautiful words brought a few gentle tears to us both. I laid my face close to his as he settled into a very calm deep sleep and so a time of loving observation and a night vigil for me began. It is now 6am and Hamada is still sleeping, his breathing just a gentle rhythm in the quietness of the house and as I go for my shower I wonder what this new day will bring and is it time now?

Such A Difficult Time.

The terrible headache which has been with Hamada for a week now, has become too much for him to bear. Yesterday he was prescribed control release Morphine and also liquid morphine for extra support. As we are now back with our own local GP, he is of the opinion that this headache is being caused by the lowering of kidney function even further. The kidneys will have course, taken a great strain during the recent blood and platelet transfusions even though great care was taken to transfuse really slowly ( 6 Hours ). Hamada has been in such great pain from this headache which cannot be allow to continue, hence the Morphine being started yesterday. All the family are here this weekend which is a great support. So much joy they all bring with them and they have been quietly chatting for short times with Hamada and the delight shows on his dear face as he enjoys seeing them so much. We are being spoilt as we have both had recent birthdays, wonderful days all together…just being…

This Must Be An Honest Journal.

Hamada has now received two whole blood units and one of platelets which took six hours, being slowly transfused as to protect the remaining kidney function. Still from Friday evening Hamada has been suffering from an extremely bad headache and he has vomited several times. I have been carefully monitoring his blood pressure and temperature which have both been raised and at one time gave great cause for concern leading me to phone the Doctor for further advice on getting this pain under control. It was not a pain in a single place but around the temples and something like a migraine type headache affecting his eyes. Giving gentle massage to the area seems to help some. It has been an anxious four days I must admit but being as honest as I can, I feel his kidneys are shutting down and we are approaching the end.

A Watchful Weekend.

A very watchful weekend for me as Hamada recovers from six hours of transfusions on Friday. Transfusions were done very slowly as to protect the kidneys as much as possible. Hamada is very weary as normal but what is concerning me is the headache that will not leave him. He had a slight temperature which has abated now and this headache is not in one place but appears to be in both temples. He already takes six paracetamols and two Nefopams daily, so really at the upper level with trying to protect the little kidney function left. Hence I have nothing to increase the help with this annoying migraine type headache and of course I am aware of blood clots and this has been my worry since Friday. So not much sleep for me. He says he does not wish me to call a Doctor as it is not bad enough for that ! Certainly I would call the EMS if I felt it was getting worse or BP increased. I am hopeful that it will settle tonight but it’s almost like his body does not like this blood (2 units) or the platelets (1 unit) very much. If not, a visit from or to the Doctors tomorrow, will be the order of the day.

Time For A Top Up.

After blood tests done yesterday at Lincoln County Hospital the results show that Hamada’s platelet level is extremely low at 16. So this morning he will have a further blood test to check antibodies(I believe) and then his special ordered Platelets will come from Sheffield and he will receive these at the Medical Day Unit at Lincoln. A simply wonderful team there!
This transfusion will hopefully help make him more comfortable and halt the bleeding that can be seen in hundreds of little blood spots under the skin. Many on his face and even more on his arms and lower trunk. He will be at the hospital for at least three hours but this hopefully will save a weekend stay. Many thanks to our Jenny who has been assisting with another strong arm, bless you Jenny, what would I do without you X

Addendum: Hamada spent six hours getting transfusions today – on arriving his HB had dropped to 8 and his Platelets only 10 – he is back home now and feeling somewhat better.

Changes.

When I started this blog more than four years ago I promised always to tell how it is for a Carer of someone with MM. It was important for me that my poems conveyed a little story of the days that unfolded on this journey. Sometimes the truth of my feelings may hurt more than at other times. I try to think of other MM sufferers, I truly do. Then of course those that maybe hurt by my thoughts here, will not subscribe. So I continue through these most difficult days. The following two verses describe my feelings during a very lovely birthday weekend for Hamada. Our son Jo spent a special time with his Father, we had a celebratory meal together and all in all it was a perfect weekend. Except for one thing although I suppose I have always seen Hamada through ‘rose tinted glasses’. I could now see clearly what I suppose others can see and have notice for some time, visual changes to my dear man’s face.
Extract from “Changes”

The once thought improbable
is happening Darling Man,
I cannot close my eyes
to forget these brown eyes fading,
I cannot shut my mind for all I need
is to see your smile.
These brutal changes tear at your resistance
this beloved face is changing
dissolving and vanishing from view
but never from my heart.
I can at last, see this Beast Within.

Changes… So many changes…

All Rights Reserved November 2010
Unabridged version of “Changes” is now on http://www.susiehemingway.com