If I have to be out of my bed right now*, I might as well use my time productively and productive to me, as I sit in the clinic waiting for my dose of thick bleach, is thinking about gluttony, specifically, my gluttony.
Two months ago, I was a rather smug, newly diagnosed healthy eating cancer patient. At the time, I believe I said that I would not give into steroid hunger and I would maintain my healthier than healthy diet no matter what. That’s right. No matter what. I laid down an imperative. An absolute. You may be able to tell from my despondent tone that in recent weeks, I have failed to keep my body pure with a simple diet of fibre and nuts. I admit it. I failed. I needed a sausage. I also needed caramel and rice pudding and crisps and cake and cheese.
This newly rediscovered need for food is strange. It’s purely functionary. This weekend for example, when I have not been sleeping, I have been a bottomless pit. Food has not touched the sides. It has not mattered what the food is, as long as the fat content is high. That’s my new motto. Hmmm high in fat.
I am slightly ashamed of myself. I have previously said that My Myeloma has given me an eating disorder and whilst this may be overshooting it, it has certainly made me think about what I am eating and why I am eating it. Evidentially, My Myeloma does not make me exercise self control. My Myeloma has given me the guilts. I should be making my body as healthy as it can possibly be and not feeding it clotted cream. Whilst I am on the subject, I must remember that extra thick double cream is not yogurt and should not be eaten as such.
This weekend, and over the last few weeks, I have been working on the assumption that any food is better than no food. If it were not for the junk, I would not be eating. At least, this is what I am telling myself. Fatty Jones.
To prove my point, please find below a list of all the food products which passed my mouth yesterday:
1 hardboiled egg
3 rashers of bacon
2 slices of bread
1.5 litres of orange juice
1 large packet of prawn crackers
1 regular packet of thai sensations
1 portion of mum’s braised pork and mushrooms
1 portion of egg fried rice from the takeaway
4.5 chicken wings
So, yes, purely functionary.
* I am no longer in the clinic. I have had a two hour nap since I started writing this blog. I just love sleep that much.