A new year

Warning, depressing post. New Year’s Eve has never been a favorite holiday of mine. I don’t hate it. It just seems to be the one holiday that brings to light the most how fast time is flying by. It always feels like we just welcomed the year in not long ago and it’s already over. And that speed really gets scarier the older I get. Obviously, my husband having MM and my dad having stage 4 lung cancer only makes it worse. Reading of MM or other cancer deaths and friends running out of options, my heart just breaks every time. I enter a new year with trepidation, not wonder and joy. Some people put these posts on Facebook about the new year, looking forward to it, or feeling ready for it, saying BRING IT ON!! I found myself hoping that this next year would not be THAT bad, and that I would be able to hold up under whatever trials lay ahead. Not feeling all that mighty these days. I went right into doctor visits starting after the holiday. Yesterday, the 2nd, a visit to the cancer center with my dad. The chem screen machines broke down and he could not get his Keytruda. He still has a cold anyway so, probably just as well that he waits another week. He and my mom did not make it to my house Christmas Eve or my sister’s house Christmas Day. As much as we are grateful our parents are still here, it stings that they have missed holidays this past year. Today, I will go with Tim back to the cancer center. I’ve already seen some of his results online. He will either be restarting chemo today, or very soon. We still have not found a new employee and he’s working his brains out. Adding doctor visits and side effects to this is not going to help matters. We did not win the lottery Tuesday night, so, he can’t retire. How I wish he could. Tomorrow, I will see my cardiologist and am praying that my blood pressure meds don’t have to be adjusted or changed. Still having issues tolerating the last change.

BUT, all this faded into the backround this morning. I woke up, grabbed my cell phone, logged onto facebook and learned that our friends’ kind, hard-working, handsome son died on New Years Day. He was just 21. I do not know what happened. Being 21 and in a college frat and it happening on New Year’s day, I automatically think partying played a role. But, I don’t know. I cannot wrap my brain around this, I just can’t. How cruel life is. They will never know another truly joyous moment, I am sure. What do you say to someone who is going to cremate their child in a few days? You cannot tell them it’s going to be alright. Life is never going to be alright for them again.

Our daughter went down with 8 of her friends to party at a friend’s frat house by her college for New Year’s Eve. We warn her, over and over, “PLEASE don’t overdo the drinking!!! Please be careful.” These kids, they still don’t think this will happen to them. I did not exhale until her car pulled back into our driveway the next day.

I don’t know what took Kyle from this world. What I do know, is that it’s hard to feel hopeful from where I sit right now. It really is. I know that the pain my husband and I are about to witness and feel at the upcoming wake and funeral will be burned into our minds forever, but cannot even begin to compare to what his mom, dad, and sister will feel for the rest of their lives. I also know that I feel powerless to do a damn thing to help this poor family. And that powerless feeling is one that I’ve been dealing with a long time being a caregiver for people I love with incurable cancers. It doesn’t get any easier.

All we can do is try to support those we love in whatever small ways we can muster. What else is there?  God, Fate, Life, Chance…….they will all have their say, one way or another. Loving others and being loved back, and trying to help, are the only ways to cushion the blows that life throws at us.

This year has not started off well, and all I can do is hope to have some moments of joy and love in 2019.