A difficult day

First of all, I must apologise to my regular readers who may have been wondering how I am, as there has been rather a lack of posts recently. Well I have been getting on with living, not that I have done anything terribly exciting, but I have been exploring more of that ‘living in the moment’ philosophy.

Yesterday was a difficult day for both Colin and I. In fact we haven’t quite been the same since we visited the Occupational Health doctor who very insensitively read out the letter she received from my consultant. Anyway we do both try our best not to think about Myeloma too much but it is never really too far from our minds and every now and again something comes along to remind us of the fact. Last week I received a letter granting me early retirement due to ill health. I didn’t really want to read it word for word and left it on the side table for Colin to read it for himself. We didn’t discuss it much and made little fuss about telling others. It was the best outcome considering the predicament we are in but neither of us chose to be here. Yesterday I spoke with my line manager and the manager of Step2. Both were lovely but as my line manager, as sensitively as she could, discussed with me the next steps the tears began to flow. It is a significant marking point and I am now officially retired. Anyone who knows me understands how much I loved my job. They know how very hard I worked and how passionate I was in making a difference to young people’s mental health. OK sometimes I did let it take over my life at the detriment of my lovely husband and family and friends, but they understood the importance of my role. My job, rightly or wrongly defined me. Most of you who know about LAMBSS, the acronym I made up for auditing our own and others mental health needs, well my job ticked most of the boxes and filled the cups to the rim. Please don’t worry I will pull myself together and make the best of things but I do so wish I could go back in time before that phone call that announced my diagnosis. I would have learnt a lesson and I would have thought long and hard and made some serious changes in my life,it didn’t have to be this way. But it’s not to be so I shall have to live with it, we shall all live with it, as I know I am not alone on this journey and together we will make the best of things. There will be new opportunities and of course my book i hope will open more doors, that is if I can summon up the strength to finish it. Oh do just ignore me this time will pass, I am just indulging myself in a little self pity!
I may be officially retired but Colin and I do have a private company so if anybody out there wants any training or consultancy work doing please do make use of my skills as I would appreciate the work.

First of all I have a holiday to look forward to. We are shortly off to the south of France in our motorhome. Along the way we shall catch up with our best friends and soak up the French life washed down with a good few bottles of good wine together.
I also hope to be able to cheer on my uncle and his wife who will be competing in a marathon in Bordeaux. From what I have read about it though, it would seem to pass through many vineyards were the runners sample wine along the way so I will be interested to see if they actually fall over the finishing line in a drunken stupor!

I shall also look forward to returning to host my lovely grandson’s christening in September. This will be a small family event and a celebration for us all to mark an important day in Elliot’s life. I do so love being a grandma.

I do hope you are all keeping well.

Deborah x