A day of reflection

I’m feeling really unfocused today – for the first time in ages I can’t stop thinking about my mum. It’s not surprising really. It’s the date of her official inquest today, nearly 6 months after she died at the roadside after that terrible accident. Perhaps I shouldn’t have put the date in my diary. It keeps pinging up to tell me that it happened. And then I made the mistake of googling to see if anything had been reported….surprisingly the Oxford press had reported 3 minutes before it was due to start, that it was happening. Nothing more since. So of course now, despite being at work, my mind is all over the place. I just want to go home and have a bit of a cry.

The silly thing is that I’ve read the coroners report….as horrible as that was. I know there is unlikely to be anything else that is said. I just really wish I had gone to the inquest. I didn’t because I didn’t want to have to hear all the facts verbally. She suffered such horrific injuries, we can only really be grateful that she didn’t survive it. But I wish that I had heard what was said…and that I had got the closure that I think I just need to have.

Don’t get me wrong. I have coped so well with the fact she is no longer here. I think the whole family has. It is strange really, but it’s true. I don’t miss her every minute of every day and I haven’t cried for months until today. I know we are so lucky to be able to deal with it in this way as for so many people they struggle so much with the death of a parent. I think her faith, my dads faith and the independence that she gave us all has really helped.

But just for today….and maybe for a few additional days in the future, I am feeling really, really sad. All I can do is picture by the roadside.

I want a big hug from her…. and I’ll never have that again.