9 years

This day, 9 years ago, our world came crashing down. I cannot believe it’s been 9 years. But, as I’ve said before, in some ways, it feels like we’ve been on this MM roller coaster forever. I think that times of high emotion burn things into your memory. This day, in 2007, is burned into mine. Probably the most vivid memory was following the hematologist down the hall as she was about to tell me Tim had cancer. There were 5 different teams of doctors on his case. He was out of intensive care and in a regular room and I had warned all the teams that I did NOT want them telling my husband bad news while I was not there. I had found out they were checking for cancer. So, this woman walked me down the hall to tell me and then let me tell Tim. The WORST. She walked me really far down the hall and I knew we were in trouble. I believe I just said this recently on here, and I know I said it way back in this blog too, but she was afraid there would be an outburst from me so she kept walking further and further. She didn’t want Tim to hear me scream. I’m not that way, but what did she know. I was also too numb. It was surreal. Who had enough air to produce a scream?

One of the reasons I don’t post on my blog much is that, I think I’ve said it all before. Our lives are going on in a very similar pattern to what they’ve been doing for years now. And, then again, they’re not. Nothing stays the same. Life is always changing. It just feels like I’m going nowhere and doing the same old things, I guess. We are just a few short months away from our daughter’s high school graduation. But, in a “miles to go before I sleep” type way, there is SO much to get through before then. Her last softball season with the nightmare coach. Her senior prom. Having to choose which college she is going to, and starting to pay for it. So many things, so many worries. The night of the prom, all the kids hire party busses and will be going down to the Jersey shore for several days. This will be her first trip on her own, just weeks after turning 18. The thing I am the biggest wreck about is the drive home. Kids are dropping cars down there before the trip and carpooling home, after a weekend of little sleep, booze, no doubt, and general tom-foolery. I told her last night, “how about we pay for the bus to come get you guys and bring you home?” She said no. “OK, then we will come pick you up.” No again. UGH, I can’t stand it.
This is all highway driving and these kids are new drivers. Some don’t even drive on the highways yet, or much. The roads around here are crazy. I just want my kid home in one piece.

I showed her a horoscope of hers that I cut out of the paper. It says, “Friends and family who seem meddlesome may have more noble motives, Taurus. Give these loved ones the benefit of the doubt and be glad they care so much!!!” Translated: YES, YOUR MOM IS A HELICOPTER MOM, BUT SHE LOVES YOU SO MUCH AND SHE HAS LOST ALL TRUST IN THE WORLD’S ABILITY TO BE KIND, OR FAIR, OR SAFE, OR EVEN SANE.” 

This older woman who lived next door to me before she died, gave me this metal coin-type thing. It says, “let go and let God.” It sits on the window sill right by my kitchen sink. I wish I could do that. I really do. I envy anyone who can be so sure in their faith that they can relax and know that God’s Got This. But, I dunno, God has already made some decisions in our lives that I am NOT at all happy about. He had it in his plan to have some really horrible things befall us. What if something else happens? Truth be told, I don’t think I have it in me to cope with another tragedy. I’m just full up in that department. Hit my limit a long time ago. But, I feel no comfort that we will get a break and are safe from other things happening. Some people go through life thinking bad things happen to OTHER people, not them. Well, I go through life knowing that bad things happened to me, and the people I love, and I feel no sense of security whatsoever. I find myself wishing away 4 whole years, like I’m just going to hold my breath until she’s out of college.

I would like to know what it’s like to REALLY LIVE, instead of just existing. Seems to me, that’s all I do. Exist, and try to cope with the blows.

We are down to 2 choices of schools. One is 23 minutes from my home. She would still live there, but, gosh, it would be so great. I would feel better that she was closer, and, in my typical “what if” way, if she had to become a commuter in the future for some reason, financial or otherwise, she could, without having to switch schools and lose her friends. BUT, I don’t want to tell her this reason. The other option is down by the beach. 70 miles away. I don’t like the school as much. It has much less to offer at a bigger price tag, but she has some kind of preference for it that I don’t understand. Especially after finding out that the dorms are half suite style, with 8 kids crammed into a tiny suite with only ONE BATHROOM BETWEEN THEM. That is insane. Other schools, anything over 4 kids and there are 2 bathrooms. This is a private school, base price 48K a year (Liv got a huge scholarship) and you get 1 bathroom for 8 girls???!!!  And, I cannot imagine putting 8 girls in so tight a space and having them all get along. Time will tell. She has to make up her mind and deposits are due by May 1st. We’re down to the nitty-gritty here folks, and it’s a nail biter for me.

So, back to the 9 years. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was in this morning for a baseline bone density test and a pelvic ultrasound my gyn. wanted. I had to write the date on the paperwork and was like, “oh shit, it’s the 8th, why did I make the appointments today?” Had my mammo last week too and still waiting on those results. I hate all this medical crap. That’s another thing I am just full up on. I’ve had it. I hate waiting out results. My brain knows that you’re better off doing these things, and catching things early, but I totally get people who don’t. The stress is awful. I don’t know how my hubby is doing as well as he is after nine years of that kind of torture, I really don’t. He still amazes me. His mental strength and courage is the likes of which I’ve never seen.

But. it’s such a double edged sword, this time business. As with most things in life, there’s the good part, and there’s the bad part. In 2007, we did not think Tim would live to see Olivia become an adult. The idea of that threw me into a period of mourning that brought me to the end of my rope. And there were so many other stressful things going on at that time too, that I was beyond overwhelmed. 9 years later, I teeter between these two feelings……..extreme gratefulness for the time he was given and the age our daughter is now. There were many that I know who were not granted that time. And fearfully wondering how much more of this time we have as a complete family unit. You can try to live in the moment all you want, and I wear a ring on my finger that says just that, but, you always wonder that, in the back of your mind. How much more time will we be blessed with? Am I greedy for upping that ante? I prayed for so long that Tim would be here for her high school graduation. Am I selfish for now asking that he be there for her college graduation?

I think not. I think I am just human. I think I want him with me………….. always, and I don’t ever want to see my daughter go through the pain of losing her dad. And I don’t ever want to see him go through the pain of leaving her. And, I don’t want to be alone either. How do you trust the universe, God, whatever, to spare you those things? I just don’t have a clue. In 9 years, one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that you have no control. And that is a very scary thing to know.

How do you wrap up a post like this and not feel guilty for being such a downer? I have no clue about that either.