8 years……………Life goes on

On March 8th, it was 8 years since Tim’s MM diagnosis. Every year, from the 5th to the 8th, I re-live those hellish days when he was in intensive care and then diagnosed with MM. There are things that have happened these last 8 years that have been forgotten or dulled down in my memory, but those first days seemed to move in slow motion and the memories are vivid. I think in times of high emotion, that’s how it works. It makes such an impact on your brain, it is burned in there forever. I am grateful for this time, but, as many of you know, I did not know 8 years ago that we would have it so our lives have been spent in month-long and then 3 month-long intervals of check-ups and prayers and holding our breath and exhaling. Tim turned 51 on Feb. 3rd. I turn the big 5-0 in August. Our lives are pretty much following the same pattern they have been. Tim works too hard and too many hours running his own business. I spend too many hours doing paperwork and things I don’t want to do. We tick few to no things off our “bucket list”. We taxi our kid all over the place and try to enjoy this time with her. She gets her driver’s license in 2 months. As I’ve said before, I am petrified. Softball season just started and we have high hopes for a better season than the last 2. The last 2, she got stuck pitching with no back-up pitcher and no fielders to speak of behind her and a coach that had no clue how to coach softball. Her husband coaches the varsity team and takes everyone with talent with him, and left my kid to pitch with no help out there on the JV team. So, what do you do after being taken advantage of like that and having your arm blown out 2 years in a row? You stop being a pitcher and let him find someone else this year. So, it will be interesting to see what happens. Unfortunately, the younger kids coming into the program know what happened to Liv and several have refused to admit they can pitch because of it. Oh well, he is reaping what he sowed. I cannot believe that we are looking at colleges already. You think you are going to be doing this senior year but it all starts in junior year. I think that going away to college will be a good thing for Liv. She desperately needs to learn to take responsibility for herself. My many attempts to get her to do that have fallen flat. But, it will be VERY hard on Tim and myself, as I have said. I want to keep her somewhere not too far away. There are many reasons for this, but, Tim is reason #1. Anything can happen at any time. I don’t want our kid a 7 hour drive from here if something does happen. We live in an area where there are very good colleges all over the place and there’s just no reason she has to be states away from us. She does not even know what she wants to major in so it’s not like she has to go to college XYZ in Arizona because they specialize in her field. So, we are touring colleges within a 2 hour radius and we’ll see if we come up with something. I seem to have pulled out of a very long funk I was in. Oh, I still have my moments, but, I am trying to be hopeful. I have come to accept things about people that I didn’t want to admit. It’s kind of depressing but, there is a certain “letting go” when you just stop fighting with reality. It is what it is. I am not one to live in a dream world. I do not put rose colored glasses on and I prefer to deal with the truth and just get on with it. But, sometimes, there’s just no safety net when you live like that and everything hits you in a “blunt force trauma” type of way. I understand now that there are people who just had no intention of riding this out with us. Sadly, we share DNA with those people and it was hard to wrap my brain around it for a long time, but, again, it is what it is. People make their choices. We learn to live with it. I read something on Facebook that said, “don’t cross oceans for people who would not jump a puddle for you” and that’s something I needed to get better at. I have a lot on my plate. I cannot fritter away time, energy and emotion on people who do nothing but suck the life out of everyone around them.
So, after this cold, snowy, dreary winter, I look forward to spring and am going to try to get out more. It hit 60 degrees today and I took my dog for her first walk at the park. We came back wet and muddy. Looks like New England is gonna have nuttin’ on us for a mud season this year. The snow mounds were 6 feet tall in my yard just a few days ago from clearing the driveway. OY!
So, it’s on to SPRING. Thank goodness. Enjoy!