What Happened to my Life

5.10.20

Hello May

(I’m, writing this several days before posting, so not sure I will even post these thoughts…
Ok I will, as no-filter is my middle name :)

I shouldn’t whine and complain, but I’m just so sad…
I have so much to be grateful for, on so many levels, compared to so many, especially in these crazy Pandemic times, but I lost my life and future dreams long before CoronaVirus changed the world.

I look outside my window and see such beauty 

Beauty Jim and I created over 38 amazing years
Beauty we were supposed to enjoy, not be challenged by
I look outside and see our past, our current, and wonder our future
I see Blue skies, green trees, green lawn, happy plants and colorful flowers
His roses, so loved and cared for, now “my” roses needing “my” care
So much upkeep to keep everything beautiful, alive, thriving, clean

I look outside and see my horses hanging out in the sun, swishing flies
I see my horses there, just there, and I remember the life we used to have
I see my horses out there, and remember the times I could “just go out there”, just ride, just hang out with them, hang with the kids and adult friends, minus medical challenges
I look outside and see decades of TLC invested in our ranch
I look outside and see how much there is to appreciate and enjoy
I look outside and realize how much I cannot do any more
I look outside and realize how limited I am
I am just so depleted, so exhausted mentally and physically
I realize how much Myeloma has limited my life
Limited my ability to do and enjoy as I used to, as I always envisioned I could and would

I look outside and know I must continue on for the humans and animals that count on me, rely on me for Everything…
I know how much Myeloma (and Alzheimer’s) has changed me now
I’m not the girl that started writing this blog in 2010

Physically, my head hurts
The base of my neck hurts
Headaches are non stop
When I sleep, I feel like my head is made of cement, and I am sleeping on bricks
I dislike taking pain meds as I’ve always tried to work thru pain and I worry about the additional impact on my vital organs
But I’ve had to take Tylenol, Advil several times a day just to take the edge of the pain, just to do the minimum, of the maximum I want to do
Dex Steroids Save My Life! They relieve so much of all of this. Today I feel ok, finally, I don’t hurt so much. Dex Steroids Save My Life on so many levels.
Remember… Myeloma Hates Steroids!

But my immune system is always so low, stealing all my energy and dreams of doing and the things I want to do, and all the things I saved for “later”, for when I retired, and thought I would “own my own life” … ha! Such a stolen life in so many ways…

My treatment crashes last longer now, and I am spending more time in bathroom with surprise side effects. I hate GI side effects, I hate pain, I hate living wondering what will happen each day to me that Is Out of My Control. I used to be so healthy. This makes me so sad. I used to be so healthy. What Happened. Why did my body sabotage me? Why me? Why was my life stolen from me? Whine Whine Whine, Sad Sad Sad…. I seriously ask for so little, want so little, just want to enjoy nature and our home and our animals, and all the humans in our life. I just want to enjoy life pain free. Is that too much to ask. I’m tired. Tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. Done with Challenges… ok Julie, shut up and move forward. I know, I am very fortunate! Going on 11 years with Myeloma, and I am still functional on many levels…

So 5.10.20 was Mother’s Day, and I hope all my Momma friends and followers had a wonderful day celebrating YOU and all that you have done for others as a Mom. Yesterday was a bit sabotaged for me, as Jim’s brain functioned on a more active level yesterday morning, and at about 6:50am our house alarm started SCREEEEEECHING, abosolutely scaring the $#!% out of me. I jumped out of bed begrudgingly as I wasn’t sure what I would be finding in the family room, where Jim sleeps in a chair… that’s another long story I will tell if you’d like to hear…

Long story short, he had gotten up all by himself, walked to the door a few feet away WITHOUT his cane or walker, and opened the door a little bit, setting off the alarm. Most of me wasn’t happy, as I’m soooo very sleep deprived, part of me shocked at his mobility, a little bit of me was incredulous and happy for him. But the part of me that is sleep deprived, achy, tired, hurting, frustrated, etc, and a Cancer Patient that never really gets the “luxury” of “being a cancer patient”…  reacted in a not so “adult manner”. I let him out alone, and said sarcastically…. “ok, you woke me up early, scared the crap out of me, and here you are, with your brain telling you it’s time to get outside and feed the horses, just like you used to”…. “Great for you Jim, if only this was real…”but I’m not going out there at 7am!” “Gooo, just go if you want to, since your body is so ok today”, good for you”… Happy #%&#! Mother’s Day to me”! I sighed, cried, and started to video his precarious walk out to the horse corral. Not his fault, he can’t help his brain-body sabotage either. I hate Alzheimer’s more than I hate Myeloma…

Yes, bad me… but I’m sure y’all can understand my frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted emotions.

So I filmed him as he slowly, actually somewhat solidly made it to the horse arena, where THANKFULLY our gardener (who I’d hired a few years ago to help with the early morning horse chores, was already out there with his helper), noticed Jim, and immediately went to him. I could tell how shocked he was! I knew he was looking for me or Jim’s caregiver, but we were no where to be seen or found LOL. Eventually Antonio came to the porch and got Jim’s walker, and Jim safely made it back to the house, thank you Tony! Me, still shocked, frustrated, happy, sad, a bit angry, so I had a meltdown with this in my face reality of all the challenges I must deal with daily, with my cancer situation, and Jim’s Alzheimer’s. Maybe I can upload a video from this insane brain event. No doubt, Jim keeps defying the Alzheimer’s odds. I’m happy and so sad for him…

I have a BIG DECISION oncology appointment Tues, May 12, so I will let you know my current Myeloma lab status and what decisions my Dr and I come to regarding changing up my chemo regimen next week. Did I mention that last week I only did the 40mg Dex steroids and 400mg Cytoxan Cyclophosphamide. And Monday (today), I only did 40 mg Dex steroids, as my Dr wanted me to “clear my system” for the new regimen of Elotuzumab Emplicity and Pomalyst…
Oh boyyyyy, here we go…. Ughhhhh

Ok, I will update you on my next post, 5.20.20
Lots going on, chemo changes May 18, MRI coming, head skull neck pain from myeloma lesions, tumor, mass…. oy!

Thank you for reading and caring and posting hellos :)) Stay well and strong on all levels. It’s a job, isn’t it :))