It’s been just over two months since I started on phase 2 of my treatment journey….i.e treatment since I relapsed. I felt so bouyant when I started it, and really ready to just get on with it, have a few months of treatment and go on to my transplant. Of course I knew what to expect so surely it was going to be a relatively easy walk in the park …. the house and the family would be fine, and work wouldn’t get in the way until I got to the time I went into hospital for my transplant.
I’m struggling. Really struggling emotionally. And actually finding it quite hard to admit it to most people. I’m trying really hard to keep life normal and I know that’s good and mentally in some ways, will keep me stronger than if I allow myself to totally collapse. But it doesn’t take much when I take some downtime, for me to have the time to totally break down in tears and struggle to get my head around this current treatment regime and how it is making me feel, behave and act. I think that’s why I’m keeping so busy because I don’t want to be a wreck whenever I’m not! Poor Nick and the kids don’t know when I’m going to be strong and when I’m struggling and they have been amazing at trying to keep up
Anyway, Nick and I had a small breakthrough this week where I acknowledged for the first time that the side effects from the drugs, largely the exhaustion, but other smaller ones too, were impacting on my ability to cope. I have so many ‘big rocks’ in my life (as Nick likes to call them!), that I’m struggling to manage them all. The family, friends, my father (now with worsening dementia & moved to a home), work, the house, the garden, netball. All of them that have been majorly important to me, and that I haven’t wanted to compromise on any of them.
For the first time, I admitted that something had to be put to one side, and after a long discussion, I have agreed that the something that I’m going to cut right back on is my businesses. It’s been a really hard choice but I’m finding it harder to do it well, and I don’t want to let clients down, In addition, being social media, it is something that stays in mind almost 24-7, and I often find myself working when I should be resting – not good for anyone! I’ve worked so hard to build it up and frustratingly, I was so close to feeling like I was getting where I wanted to be, but I’ve made the decision now to take away the social media management aspect of the business and just focus on LinkedIn training as and when it comes up. At least then I can fit it around when I feel capable of doing it, and it only takes up a couple of sessions of headspace! I don’t quite feel better for having made the decision, but I think I will once I stop at the end of the month. Hopefully it’ll only be temporary until I’m back on my feet next summer, but we’ll just have to see. And hopefully I won’t regret it.
The other thing I’ve found really hard, and I’m only just starting to admit this to Nick, is my relationships with other people. It’s been strange to see the change in how people handle what’s been happening this time round. I’ve got some amazing friends. Some new ones up here in the Midlands, who are always checking in on me even with their own issues. And some amazing friends from my school days who I know are there at every corner too and, despite us now living what feels like a million miles away, I know that they are always there if I could only pick up the phone more often and tell them I need them! And a number of other great friends who really care and keep in touch.
But despite all of this, and despite having the best family in the world, who support me every day with love, cuddles and understanding, I feel very alone sometimes. Maybe my fundraising hasn’t helped as people are so bored of the whole story, that they have switched off what is going on now. Or maybe people I thought cared, just didn’t. Or wrong place, wrong time. I think it’s quite a common thing to happen with cancer (finding that friends drop off) but I didn’t experience it first time round. Or maybe I just didn’t acknowledge it that time, because the people who ignored my diagnosis weren’t that important to me. This time, they have been and whilst I try to understand it, it can hurt sometimes.
I’m very aware that when we made the choice to move to the Midlands, we made this aspect of our life more difficult. We knew that we were taking ourselves away from a support network that was easy, and we did it in the brave and optimistic hope that I would stay in remission. But with the knowledge that I may not. So, this isn’t meant to be about me guilting anyone particularly although I understand that there’ll be people out there that will think I am, or will say what I’m saying is unfair and puts pressure on. But as I’ve always reminded people….this blog is for me first and foremost and I needed to get this off my chest in the way that works for ME. Let me be 100% clear….I don’t want support from people who don’t care because that’s not genuine and I’m not up for fake friends/ relationships. It’s just hard if you realise that perhaps some people you thought would care, haven’t found the time to even ask the question if you are ok.
Anyway, it is what it is and I have decided again that I also need to get some counselling to try and help me make sure I’m handling things better and addressing the bits that are more difficult. It’ll take some time for that to happen though but hopefully the feeling that I’m taking things in hand will help me a bit.