Let me first say, yes, I have cooked pancakes in a toaster before, and no, there was no disaster, but NO, I have never completely ignored the fact this particular pancake had chocolate chips and was the thickness of a crepe, and a little floppy… COMMON SENSE should have alerted me to what ‘may happen’ if I placed floppy cake inside of sturdy toaster oven. This is not a wimpy toaster oven, this guy can do bagels, he can do garlic bread, strudels, pop tarts, waffles and frozen pancakes. Anyway… I broke the toaster, and stopped to ponder life. (no men live in this house, so I generally name all the tools and appliances “He” just so ya know).
Many times, I think something is a ‘really great idea ‘and feel it in my gut… like, “this is it! This is the right button to push!” But somewhere deep in my spirit, there is this feeling that likes to remind me of all the ways the idea could not work, so I have a slight “?”at the end of every statement. When you live with every statement being open to interpretation, you leave yourself wide open to be ‘misinterpreted’. To be honest, I am the type of person, you need to see up close ‘to get the full effect of what kind of brain you are dealing with.
Anyway, back to the toaster. Simply slowing down my mind, deciding what I needed to do first, next, and so on would have been what all together adults must do. However, I normally choose to do multiple things at once. So, I had this bright idea to start washing the dishes and dropped this lovely pancake in the toaster not to give it a second thought. All was right in my world, I was listing to my morning meditation tones, doing the good ole brain squeegee of the psyche as I washed insane amounts of dishes; if you must know. Sometimes negativity can fly in my head before I get out of bed, so I have to tackle that mess before my eyes even open or my feet hit the floor. Prayer is probably something I do more than talk (if you can imagine), but it is true. Without it, my mind would never be able to handle the consequences of so many emotionally charged, knee jerk life decisions from my past.
Living with someone who has, or having one myself, an eating disorder can make you look at food differently. Eventually it becomes something you can receive with joy and excitement, but for some, it is a source of pain or a loss of control. Sometimes when we see someone struggling with mental illness, it is easy to make a snap judgement about that person, and place them in a category that you truly feel is the right one… in your gut, but you find out later, whatever you felt in the beginning was right or in some cases ‘not right’ all along, it was just yourself that doubted. To live with the consequences of decisions made that went against my own, is harder than some might realize. Some decisions relate to my health, but some relate to life choices as a whole. Like, now my toaster is broken, because I could not just throw away that pancake, instead of feeling like it would be wasteful, and tossing it in the toaster without thinking…
I am sincerely grateful to be alive for another day to have the chance to figure out what the next move is. I am grateful to be alive another day to love my daughters and my friends and my family. If I can love my children as much as I have been loved by God, I will be ok with that.