March week one.

Nothing much has changed. The slow decline continues.

I find that I am suddenly hit by moments of intense grief, often unexpectedly or at the oddest moments. The other day it was while making the morning coffee, the cafetiere is built for two and the realisation that it will be too big for one was too much to bear. Watching TV and films naturally have me in tears when romance is on the cards, my lover died months ago and I grieve for that part of Mike every day. 

We have long talks about death, about whether the knowing and the preparation make it easier or whether a short, quick end is preferable as the pain of loss is concentrated on the moment. Neither is easy, at the moment it would be easier for me for it to be all over with, but at the same time I can appreciate the time we have had to say our goodbyes.

It is all so tiring.