Remaining Happy, When You Just Want to Scream

1.19.19

Hello 1.19.19.
So fun to type out 9’s! Yes, 9’s. 9’s representing 9 years of battling and living with Myeloma.

My topic of this post was going to be philosophizing about Happiness. Being Happy. Remaining Happy. Finding Happiness. Maintaining Happiness while dealing with a terminal illness, treatments, and being sick. I was going to write all about Seeking Happiness and Remaining Happy while processing life’s Disappointments, Lost Dreams and Goals. I was going to write about Persevering even when life throws you big curves you never envisioned, yet committing to always move forward with Positivity and Gratefulness, trying to never lose that sunshiny optimism, and the “glass half full, vs half empty” perspective.

I was going to write about Happiness since people always say…”Be Happy! Always be happy.” I just want to Scream!!! How much “happier” can anyone be, under my circumstances! I am so very happy and grateful for my 9 years of survival. Happy for so much, for (almost) everyone and everything in my life… OMG, I am one of the most “happy”, positive, lift everyone else up, people in the world. That was my “business”, my “mission” in life as a Counselor. Always helping others see potentials and strive for them. Always helping others remain positive against the worst challenges. Always helping others analyze themselves, their circumstances, and how to move forward, improve oneself… Onwards and upwards towards your personal rainbow. Always moving forward, always looking for the sunshine. Always looking for the glitter in the muddy waters.

But my life was stolen from me 9 years ago. And each year has been more challenging than the previous. Ah, Suck It Up Buttercup, right?! Life isn’t all about it all working out all the time. Everyone is challenged. Everyone has dark clouds. Everyone has so much on their plate, often buried very deep within… Early on in my career, make that in college and grad school, I fully deeply realized that EVERYONE HAS “SOMETHING”. Everyone has Challenges. Everyone has Battles and deep battle Scars. Everyone has a Story. Everyone has ghosts in their closets. Everyone has damage. Everyone has had to deal with, overcome, SOMETHING… but it’s all about degrees and subjectivity, how those challenges are dealt with individually, and how the person moves forward,… or Not, in life.

We all have something, we all have mountains to climb,… and things can always always always be so much worse then our story….. What happens to us is personal, and we process it personally, subjectively. How I react to something is entirely different than how the next person does. Our battles and challenges really shouldn’t be compared to others. But we do. All our plates are full. It’s a matter of degree, and again, how one processes obstacles, disappointments, physical and psychological challenges. Some of us can regularly find the positive in the negative, the humor in the tragedy, the sun in the dark clouds. Some can’t. Some of us can find the best in the worst. Some become the worst as a result of challenges and disappointments. Just look at society, the world. There’s so much anger, hate, directed at self and others. Some can overcome and heal, others can’t. Some move forward, others won’t allow themselves to move forward. Yes, this life is a continual challenge, and the older I get, the more I realize how complicated it all is, and how it seems to become more complicated all the time. I naively thought the older I got, the simpler life would become… wellllll…. that’s what I had “planned” on…

Yes, I was going to write all about Happiness and being Happy. I was going to write about how being positive, grateful, optimistic, happy, looking on the bright side is healing and life sustaining… it really is…  But my challenges have become very challenging for me. I am processing disappointment, a lost life, lost dreams, lost goals and plans, lost abilities and capabilities. Of course I’m always thinking about how amazing 9 years of survival is, yet, how scary it is too, as it means the longer I live, the more treatment options I’ve used up, and the more I wonder about what will keep me alive, when Myeloma overpowers the current treatment I’m on, and it fails…  I am still Happy, but honestly, if you really want to know…. I have a lot of anger, frustration, disappointment, and ask WHY ME often. Why me, after how hard I’ve worked all my life. Why me, when I’ve overcome so much in life prior to Myeloma. Why me, why more challenges. Why at 50, terminal, incurable cancer. Why wasn’t I given a break? Or rather a reward for all I did all my life. Why wasn’t my 2nd half of life, full of realized dreams, goals and some light-hearted fun. Yes beneath all my positivity, happiness, gratefulness, amazement… I am sad, mad, angry, shocked. I feel sabotaged, undermined, tricked by the Universe. Yet, the minute I write this, say this, I feel I shouldn’t… as I have so much that is Good in my life. So much to be Grateful for. So much Not to be angry about. So much to be Appreciative for. Ah, this life of opposites for me…

Happiness. Gratefulness. Appreciative. For what it once was. For what it is. For what it might be. Yet angry, sad, overwhelmed for what it is. Really really sad and disappointed for what could have been. Yes, my life as I knew it, was stolen from me. Myeloma and treatments have so limited me and what I can do… And I will end here, as I just don’t want to wallow in negativity… but so you know… all my thoughts and feelings are exacerbated and exaggerated exponentially by my husband’s decline with Alzheimers. I think, no… I know… my extremes of emotions is due to the sadness I feel regarding our stolen lives and the daily complexity of our lives, with me becoming his caregiver, caretaker, his cognition. Yes I know… it could be so much worse…. But it is so sad, so intense, so disappointing…

Ok… enough of all that…
My Beta2Microglobulin results slipped through late yesterday, and… and… yessssss… Good News!
And even more good news has come in! See below. I should probably delete this post, and go back to writing about HAPPINESS!!! As I sure feel it now, thank you chemicals for working and pummeling those mean and devious myeloma cells!

Just a few months ago, it was as high as 2.9!!! So within all the negative craziness of our lives, I’m guessing my current triplet of Velcade, Cyclophosphamide-Cytoxan, Dex steroids is doing some serious pummeling!!! Thank goodness for some positive news… hopefully… but who knows what my IGA is doing…
Wish Kaiser hadn’t “upgraded” their online view of labs, as it’s difficult to capture a retrospective screenshot of where my past results were. Boooo on them. Anyway, I will see my Dr on Monday Jan 21, and have my full Myeloma status labs back then. Check back friends, as I will add those labs to this post, so we don’t have to wait for my 1.29.19 post :)) 


LABS JUST CAME IN! LOOK BELOW! 

Thank you for reading, caring and commenting. I hope my honesty and candor is interesting, helpful, insightful, and thought provoking for you… Hoping your life, your challenges, your mountains are manageable, or even inspirational and rewarding for you.

BE SURE TO WATCH THIS
IT WILL FOR SURE PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE
AND IN YOUR HEART
YOU MAY EVEN DANCE A BIT :))

“Happy” doggies, and cat video :))

LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN! THE LABS ARE NORMALLY NOT AUTO-RELEASED! GUESS “THE UNIVERSE KNEW” I NEED A LIFT!!! WHOOHOO! TALK ABOUT HAPPY! YES I AM!

THANK YOU VELCADE, CYTOXAN, high dose DEX STEROIDS!

THANK YOU CHEMICALS! 
THANK YOU MEDICAL SCIENCE!
THANK YOU BODY FOR BEING ABLE TO HANDLE 
ALL THIS CRAZINESS
THANK YOU EVERYONE!

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