The Bipolar Christian

Wow, sometimes I have no choice but to listen when He speaks.

(dictionary.com) bipolar
adjective
1. having two poles a bipolar dynamo; a bipolar neuron
2. relating to or found at the North and South Poles
3. having or characterized by two opposed opinions, natures, etc.
4. (of a transistor) utilizing both majority and minority charge carriers
5. suffering from bipolar manic-depressive disorder

All in all, if you know what you are dealing with it; being somewhat bipolar in different ways is… manageable. In fact, with the right structure and motivation, you can even become quite successful in life as long as you take care of yourself (physically, spiritually, mentally). Another KEY factor in that success ‘sticking’; no matter your disability… is make sure to be a part of a “community” or “social network” or “family”… without those things… It feels kinda like you would be a fish out of water, bouncing on a pier, hoping to get knocked off into the water or captured in a bucket just long enough to breathe for another day. God created us all as social beings – whether you believe He created you or not, there is a handbook out there if you want to check it out.

However, imagine a person that did NOT know, or have awareness of certain natures within herself, and may have attributed all changes in mood to a religious connotation and acted accordingly all throughout life? This, as we have all witnessed, appears a little more on the difficult side of impossible, but nonetheless *truth. All this girl ever wanted; was to make a difference to matter. To make sense of all she had seen and felt before age 14. She counts this year, not those prior, because that was the year she met Jesus in a sense… or His people… His Spirit… this was the year she started to understand who and why she was the way she was. This was the year she started to wake up a little – unfortunately not completely.

So no complaining over here, just awareness of what was previously unknown or misunderstood. I needed to document the moment when I realized that God is still not finished with me, and that it was not Him that left me… it was me that left. It was not God that quit when He showed me people hurting or needing, or showed me things I was supposed to do, it was me. I was the one that became scared. I was the one that doubted I was who He declared I was… His child, regardless of everything – in fact, because of EVERYTHING, I was His, and I did not need to feel so alone.

I am the one that 100% believes – but simultaneously – 100% scared of what I believe – at the same time. That is all ON me… not the One that made me.