Feeling Like Glass

11.18.18

Happy almost Thanksgiving everyone!

Thank you for all your kind comments, emails, texts, calls of support. Yes, body betrayal, no matter the disease, is so very tragic. My heart and head just hurts so much from everything we are going through, and for everyone else with Unwanted challenges.

I used to feel so strong, and had a sense of control over my life, choices, decisions, actions/consequences. I was so very careful and cautious with most all the choices I made in my life. I never had that need for an adrenaline rush, extreme sports, heart racing type activities or challenges. I’ve always sought peace, happiness, serenity, calm, fun and mental and physical health for me, everyone. My life long career as a Counselor, only solidified my natural ability to help, heal, change, that which was affecting me, mine and those that sought my counsel. Now, life is a wild ride, emotionally and physically, with little prediction of what each day holds, and little ability to affect needed change. I tell myself all the time… “It is what it is”… “You cannot control the things you cannot control” ….  Accept. Understand. It’s the disease. It’s body betrayal. Move Forward. Let it go. Breathe. Breathe deeply. But then I think of all the suffering of humans and animals in the world, and I admonish myself for my frustrations, grumblings, and sadness…. Onward Julie…

Saw this too late to order! 
Yes, Thanksgiving day is also my Birthday. Such a milestone for me. I was 50 at diagnosis, December 30, 2009. My doctor apologized when delivering the news, saying “I was so young”. “Most are diagnosed later in life”… “and you’re high risk”, “with an “aggressive” type of Myeloma”… I understood intellectually, but psychologically, denial became my middle name. I knew the terminal, incurable facts about Myeloma, but of course I was smug enough to “assume” I would pummel myeloma always, and live forever. After the success of my initial treatments and stem cell transplant, I still felt I had a chance to live to be an “old mare”. And the fact that I didn’t have the crazy “typical” myeloma bone pain, gave me even more confidence, “that I was different”. Ha! What a joke… on me… Myeloma was deep inside of me, playing all kinds of tricks, and the 9 years of cellular, chemical fighting is now really taking a toll on me… physically and mentally.
But I fight on, super proud of my “Legend” status of 9 years of beating myeloma’s odds, while still rather functional lol. Yes I have hair, yes I look pretty good considering, but the bone pain has given me a bit of a gimpy walk now.. Sometimes, not all the time. Next up, a cane… 
Tomorrow is Dex Steroids, yep full throttle 40mg, paired with my weekly Velcade shot, paired with the lovely bright blue Cytoxan Cyclophosphamide pills. 8 prescribed weekly, and so far I have done 3 the first week, 5 the second week, 6 last week, and not sure what I will do tomorrow, since it’s Thanksgiving and my Birthday on Thursday. See steroids carry me for about 24, 36 hours. Then the yuck and crash comes. So Wed and Thurs will not be great days :(( What’s your vote? 6, 7, 8? I will have to confess to my Dr on Monday Nov 26, what I have done, …. But if my labs look ok, or even good… how interesting will that be… can’t wait to find out. I did them a week ago, should have waited until today, with an extra week of treatment…
Next up… 
Not my horse, not my picture, but so heartbreaking :((
The CA fires were so incredibly devastating-
I count my blessings and our good fortune every day!
Happy little rescue doggies
And big doggie Abbie pretending to be a little doggie
Have a wonderful Holiday with your family, stay well, healthy, happy and may your challenges be by choice. 
And lest I forget to mention, it was this time, 9 years ago, that my innocent annual physical and blood tests screamed something was waaaaaaaaaay wrong with me….  the wild myeloma ride was just beginning…